“wow your really beautiful”

So, some of my friends, as well as I, have a unique sense of humor. Since Facebook comments has replaced getting together to watch television “events,” we create groups or pages so friends can leave comments on threads about the Oscars or TV movies. Last night I was invited to a group to snarkily review “Petals On the Wind,” the sequel to “Flowers in the Attic,” which is a novel most of us read in middle or high school for the scandalous nature of it. A couple of months ago, there was a TV movie made for it and BOY, was it cray cray. In case you aren’t familiar, incest is a topic in the novel and movie (no, they don’t show anything in the movie, we’re not pervs, people).

Well, my satellite went out and I couldn’t see it. I know, so sad.

And the only comment I left on the Facebook event page was “my satellite is out, so I’m out.”  I didn’t think anything about it for the rest of the night because my husband and I found something on Netflix to watch and I looked up chalk painted cabinets on Pinterest.

This morning I had a friend request from someone and I approved it because I figured it was a friend of a friend.

Then this happened this afternoon.

Andy1 Andy2

 

Oh, Andy. You should start with “I saw you in the incest sex room” in all conversations.

I blocked him. After I mocked him.

and now something funny

Okay, I thought I'd post something funny after the serious post. 

This is "My Drunk Kitchen," which resembles the unfilmed nightly cooking show that goes on in my kitchen every night which I have dubbed "Cooking with the Wino." No, I'm not a wino (I don't drink wine), but I like the word "wino."  There is cursing, (because cooking is better with cursing) so don't watch in front of the chillens.

 

from The Daily What

dramatic reading of a break-up letter

Yesterday while perusing the interwebs I came across something on Best Week Ever so fantastic I had to share.

It's a break-up letter. Not just any break-up letter, a dramatic reading of a break-up letter that had to have been written by a scorned 13 year-old. It makes me wish I kept my old letters. There was Pulitzer Prize winning stuff in those. 

 

Hilarious. Oh, and Typepad keeps telling me the embed tags are missing, but they're clearly not. Deadgummit, Typepad.

P.S. Stay tuned for the return of Tunes You Need Tuesday, featuring the last line of the break-up letter. Amazing.

and now for something completely different

As a journalist, I feel it is my duty to bring you this photo essay. (What? I'm kind of a journalist — I know the jargon and have seen His Gal Friday and All the President's Men dozens of times.)

And now, five naked men wearing very fancy hats (click image, semi-not safe for work because of nekkid men posed sitting so you can't see their junk). 

FIVE-VERY-MEN-WEARING-VERY-FANCY-HATS-02
from Best Week Ever.

more advice from a cartoon princess

Second City is back with more Advice From a Cartoon Princess.  This time it's Snow White.


 

I have to agree with at least two points — it's good to be fair and "don't ever eat fruit, that shit is so bad for you."

your summer birthday gift guide #3

It's Kerry here with your summer birthday gift guide for those hot people in your life born in June, July, and August.  You may know someone with a birthday coming up, don't worry – I'm here to help.


Maybe the person you're shopping for is one crafty mo' fo'.  You know what I'm talking about.  She's got 2 glue guns – low and hot temp, has a speck of glitter on her face for no reason whenever you see her, and refers to her scrapbooking friends as the Crafty Gangstas.  


She could use this set of stamps.

And because it's awesome, here's the video, "Crafty" by J-Krafty.

Some people have been known to break into your house and decoupage your mama if they don't get a birthday gift.  Just sayin'.

sign round-up

Y'all know I'm a word junkie.  I love words.  And I love signage.  The goofier the better.  Some signs just speak for themselves.  All of these are from one of my favorite blogs, Oddly Specific.  

I need to go to this store because I never got my Obama unicorn.

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So awesome.

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Apparently everyone was kung-fu fighting.
 

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You didn't know I wrote manuals, did you?
 

I think this next place would be my friend Molly's new favorite store.  

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 Pepperspray, stunguns, and fudge!  What more could a girl ask for?

 
Would you do me? I'd do me.

"Not creepy trapped" always puts me at ease.

Y'all have a good weekend.

where my crush on alec baldwin began

Grey's is a repeat tonight, kittens, so Aunt ReeRee has a story for y'all.  Gather 'round.

Way back in the day, there was a nighttime soap called Knots Landing.  It was the bomb.  Knots Landing was a spinoff of Dallas – you know, the show about the Ewing family.  

Well, Gary Ewing was J.R.'s black sheep-of-the-family alcoholic brother.  He married Valene (Val) and his mom, Miss Ellie, bought them a house on a cul-de-sac in California, which became the setting for — you guessed it — Knots Landing.  No apostrophe.  

Knots Landing was the best.  It had everything a nighttime soap could ask for — alcoholism, mobsters, lots of affairs, faked deaths, drug addiction, assassins, amnesia, kidnapping, abuse, and my favorite storyline EVER — a murder where the body was buried beneath soil where cement was going to be poured the very next day.   Of course, when the cement cracked BECAUSE THERE WAS A DEAD BODY BENEATH IT —  the cement had to be repoured and the body was found. TO THIS DAY, when I see a crack in cement I think, "well, it's only a matter of time before they find the body."  I'm not kidding.

But my second favorite storyline concerns my boyfriend, Alec Baldwin, in which is what I believe to be the first role I recall seeing him in.  He played Val's crazy evangelist brother, Joshua, for a short time on the show.  For some reason, he decided he was going to throw his wife, Cathy, off of a building in front of a billboard with her name on it!  Does it get better than that?!  Yes, it does!  His mama, Lilly Mae is there and disowns him, then he falls to his death!  I saw this clip on a link from Go Fug Yourself the other day and it brought back such memories, I was in Alec Baldwin heaven.  So good and so bad.

Kittens, I give you Alec Baldwin playing a southern evangelist and saying "mama."  And playing Cathy is the one and only Lisa Hartman before she was Lisa Hartman Black and she totally has Rod Stewart hair.   

You are welcome.  

this might as well be “va-jay-jays and lagniappe”

I've been sitting on this post for two days because people are still asking me about JLove Hewitt's VaJazzling and my Gynecologist office Photo Study is now the #2 post on the blog behind Kerry the Pin-up Girl (which isn't really me, it's an illustration of Hilda, I digress), so I was a little apprehensive about writing about this subject again.  

BUT then again, the first rule of writing is write what you know, so….  

I just lost my male readers, I know it.  Sorry guys.

This blog is becoming THE place to come for all things va-jay-jay.  BUT WAIT.  I have  found what has to be the funniest thing I've ever seen in the history of estrogen.  It's Love Your Vagina and it's from some female hygiene product, but who cares, because this site is hilarious.  It lets you submit your nickname for your vagina. Yep. And it shows the entries and how many people have submitted the names.  Oh, yes it does.

The first thing that struck me about this is that the site is British and the Brits obviously have a different view of the C-word, because the C-word is number one.  I can't speak for all American women, but I have talked to three (count 'em – three!) of my friends and we've all agreed that the C-word is derogatory and downright icky.  It must not be in other parts of the world, but it is here, and it's a word I can't say out loud and I'm 35 years old.  There are a few other words I don't say out loud, but we're not getting into that today.  

Let's go to the list!  You may want to put the Diet Coke down.  

Vagatron
Narnia
Special purpose
Chamber of secrets
George Bush
Enchilada of love
My netherlands
Ms Ginger Bigglesworth
Off limits
Lady gaga
Beverly
Downstairs
The control room
Lady cave
The suburbs
The downtown dining and entertainment district
Anastasia von Beaverhousen (read this in a German accent, it's even better)
The vip lounge


Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put up a velvet rope.  And no vip lounge/va-jay-jay talk tomorrow.  

ink idea

I think of getting a tattoo all the time.  All the time.  The thing is that 1. I'm a complete wimp and 2. I would never be able to decide on a design and 3. it's permanent.  I don't like anything enough to commit to it forever.  On my skin.  For people to see.  Forever.  

But.

I saw this on ugliesttattoos.com and thought we may have a winner.

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 Freaking genius.