20/365: I Ain’t Saying She a Gold Digger (because her mom and daddy have all the money and she won’t need one)

Kim and Kanye (you know their last names) had their third baby last week and “revealed” the baby girl’s name yesterday. Get ready. They named her Chicago. No middle name, but I have suggestions: Bulls, Bears, Cubs, Oprah, Magnificent Mile, Ferris, Wrigley, or Deep Dish. Gold Digger is obviously out because that baby is heir to a brazillion dollars in music and reality tv royalties (and sex tapes, but let’s keep this clean, ok?)

The announcement got me thinking, as I do. I’m hiring a surrogate. That’s right. I’m going right down to Rent-aWomb and get some chick to carry my baby. She will have to pass a screening first: do you drink, do drugs, on a scale of 1-10 how amazing is Ben Folds? If she listens to country music, she’s out.

I’ve made a list of possible names for my surrogate baby. I’ve been inspired by Kimye. And the good news is they all sound great with my last name.

  • Shreveport
  • Ark-LaTex
  • Greater Houston Area
  • Claiborne Street
  • 318-865-0654
  • Monjuni’s
  • Pothole

I’m sure you’ll agree those are perfect names. Kimye would too.

Today’s song is “Good Life” by Kanye featuring my boy T-Pain. Great song.

19/365: Things that I think in parking lots

I’m damn good looking 42 year old mother of 3. I spend a lot of time in parking lots waiting to pick up chirren (some of which belong to other people). I often have thoughts, sometimes brilliant thoughts and ideas in parking lots. Sometimes I text them to friends. Sometimes I just think them to myself because let’s face it, 75% of what goes through my mind is NSFA (Not Safe For Anywhere).

Here are some miscellaneous thoughts from this week:

  • I should get a taser. A pink one. And I’ll put Hello Kitty Stickers on it.
  • If not for these boobs I would have been a great drummer.
  • In the JonBenet special they said her favorite snack was pineapple with milk. Like in a bowl like cereal. That’s the weirdest part of the show.
  • I am not buying all these kids McFlurries.
  •  Man, a McMuffin sounds good.
  • I need to see the movie I, Tonya sooooooo baaaaaad. I was obsessed with the Tonya/Nancy debacle back in the day. Obsessed. And man, oh, man, Tonya had the worst costumes.
  • Also, I’m totally jazzed to see the Versace TV movie. That story was absolutely bizarre.
  • Thank the Lord the Snowpocalypse is over in Houston so I can get this colorjob did. No one should have to see this.
  • I should tell y’all that tomorrow night I am going to a real deal honky tonk to ride a mechanical bull. The husband thinks we’re going after dinner to dance a couple of songs and have a drink. He mentioned the mechanical bull and I asked if they can make it go super slow — for instance if someone wanted to hop on for a couple of pictures. He has no idea I’ve wanted to do this since Urban Cowboy. Damn straight. And I have my real deal cowboy boots. Yee-ha!

The song today is from Urban Cowboy, The Eagles’ “Lyin’ Eyes.” Bet you thought I couldn’t come up with a song for that last one, did you?

18/365: All Your Favorite Bands

This is all I have in me today. I’ll be honest, it’s been a hard fucking day. This song means something to me and it says everything I want to say.

Dawes is a band I really like. They have a way with words. This is “All Your Favorite Bands.”

17/365: Things my husband has said during Snowpocalypse

My husband is a great guy. He drives me crazy, but he’s great. And he puts up with my nonsense. The truth is he hate sitting still and he hasn’t said it, but I know being home from work and not being able to drive in the roads. Right this minute it’s 8:45, we’re watching tv, and he got a basket of the kids’ clothes to fold. That’s how much he hates to “do nothing.” Because he’s here and because I’m here to record his nonsense, I’m going to share the things he has said during the Snowpocalypse.

“Now, who’s in poverty?” after putting on This is Us 30 minutes in and he’s seen it once. No one is in poverty.

“Is something burning?” 15 minutes after turning on the gas fireplace.

“Why don’t you do that?” while watching a commercial for the Olympics with a 20-something snowboarder.

“This is NCIS: NEW ORLEANS?” Two minutes before This is Us is over.

He puts on the end of one of the newer Star Trek movies. At the end Kirk has to kick part of the ship’s engine (or some mess) back into alignment. “It’s like when I fixed the alternator on my truck.” That was 19 years ago. He talks about it like it was last week.


AND BREAK.

I’m honestly livid at the moment. I’ve been blogging on the WordPress app on my phone since I had my stupid finger surgery because I haven’t been able to type on my MacBook. And guess what. No really, guess. Yep. I’ve been writing this post off and on as the husband has said various things and was halfway through this post (what’s above) when I tapped the app and it crashed. Then I tapped the app and it crashed again. And so on and so on and so on. I tried logging on from three phone browsers — but each one brought me back to my OLD WordPress site from 2008. Finally, I got out the laptop and penned this.

And that, Dear Readers, is how I’ve spent the last hour and a half. I was going to quote my bro Billy Shakespeare, but I’ve got a case of I Dontgiveafuckness and I’m going to watch a couple of hours of Psych.

16/365: Hazy Shade of Winter

Two things:

Houston is having a couple of days of winter. It’s snowing/sleeting and we can’t go very far due to the icy roads. The kids are home from school and so is the husband. But don’t worry, it will be 62° on Thursday.

The other thing: “Hazy Shade of Winter” is a superfantastic cover by the Bangles on the Less Than Zero soundtrack. And that’s what we’re going to talk about today.

We’re going to back all the way back to around 1988. I was 14, watching TV with my parents and a movie called Less Than Zero (with my pretend boyfriend Andrew McCartney) was coming on HBO. We got to maybe the second scene, which had nudity, and my parents kicked me out of the room. That movie stuck with me for years because I was determined to see if it was good or bad or bad-bad. Then, in my senior year of high school, I found the book Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis and boom goes the dynamite.

Bret Easton Ellis wrote Less Than Zero and American Psycho, both brilliant novels. The former is what grabbed me and I’ve read all of his novels since. I tend to think the two I’ve mentioned are his best. He borrowed to title Less Than Zero from the Elvis Costello song and pretty much threw in every 80s teen/college thing you can imagine. And a few things you can’t imagine. The book was much more graphic and at least one scene was pretty disturbing than the film. The novel was rich in every way — you could see the scenes jump off the pages and the characters were real. You knew these people. Except for the coke. Ok, maybe some of you knew people on coke.

Clay, Blair, Julian, and Rip are the main characters. You should watch the movie for Robert Downey, Jr.’s performance alone. He plays a Clay’s best friend and Downey was taking drugs at the time. It was 1987 — you probably remember his drug addiction.

Anyway, Andrew McCarthy said of the film that there probably wasn’t a sentence from the book in the film. I wouldn’t go that far. Maybe a couple of sentences, but that’s all. I read somewhere that there was a first draft of the script that was much more faithful to the novel, but to be more faithful, I don’t believe it would have received an R rating. But it’s a decent movie. The soundtrack is pretty good too. Besides “Hazy Shade of Winter,” there’s “Going Back to Cali” and “She’s Lost You” by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. I had the soundtrack before I saw the movie (of course).

Reading the novel also has something interesting: characters and settings reappear through his body of work. Characters are usually mentioned or a brother will show up or they will attend the same college. It’s fun. Fun in very dark comedic novels. Warning: don’t go in thinking any of Ellis’ novels are a laugh riot, but you will laugh. There are bright spots.

So, let’s listen to a bright spot in winter.

15/365: Capable of Anything

It’s a bit of a rough day. For a couple of reasons. But my Ben Folds always knows what to say. The song today is from his latest album So There, and the song is “Capable of Anything.” It’s not always about being capable of the greatness we’re told as children. Here are are few lines; the video follows.

“Swung and missed

I put my heart in this

Mythical holy good guy I want so bad to be

But I was weak and wrong

And when I owned it all

It only made you rightous now

You get to blame your life on me but,

I

Stopped

Caring what you think about me

I

Gave up”

This was exactly the way he sang it a few months ago when I saw him. Wonderful. I cried. But of course I did.

14/365: Silver Spring

This is all I want to say today. It came on my iPod earlier and when it does I usually play it 6 or so times. I’ve never played it only once. For several years now. It’s a personal thing, as music is. Its’s in my top ten.

I give you the White Witch’s “Silver Spring.” Every bit of it. Stevie means every word — you can see it. And some of those words are harsh.

13/365: Pretty (Ugly Before)

Today’s song is by one of my favorites, Elliot Smith, who passed away much too soon. He was an amazing lyricist and musician. He was so fantastic that he was asked to write the entire soundtrack for Good Will Hunting. Do you know the only other films scored by one group? The Graduate (and She’s the One [Tom Petty]). The former was done by Simon and Garfunkel, of course. That’s kind of a big deal not done for films. It’s common in animated films, not live action. It’s done when a director wants a particular feel for a film. Next time you watch either of those films, notice the tone of a scene, then the song. Both films and soundtracks are retry melancholy, which I doubt is a coincidence. This is an introduction to Elliot Smith. With another 350 or so posts to go this year, we’ll hear a few more.

Anycholy, today’s blog will be nonsense and thoughts and one new law.

Now, this is what our forefathers were fighting for.  Have you heard?  A town in Michigan has made it illegal to be annoying.  This is my dream come true, from CNN:

Brighton City Council approved a public conduct code Monday night, which includes fining someone up to $500 for being annoying.  One section of the bill reads, “It shall be unlawful for a person to engage
in a course of conduct or repeatedly commit acts that alarm or seriously annoy another person and that serve no legitimate purpose.”  The bill also states it’s unlawful for anyone to insult, accost, molest or otherwise annoy any person in public.

I’m moving.  Michigan, here I come.  I can’t remember when I last heard of something so suited to my skills than citing people for being annoying.  I hope the police uniforms come in pink.  Maybe I’ll get to use a taser.

Cool.

Seriously, we need a law like this.  I love the last line “it’s unlawful for anyone to insult, accost, molest, or otherwise annoy any person in public.”  Public in my world means anywhere outside your home.  Walking down the street, in Target, the mall, restaurants, anywhere.  I wonder if one could make a citizens arrest.  My town hasn’t passed this brilliant law yet, but I don’t see any harm in my issuing citations now.  I would consider it a public service to do so.  My way of giving back to the community, if you will.

I’ll start my patrolling on Boxing Day, the day after Christmas.  Annoying people tend to come out the day after Christmas to various retail outlets to exchange and return gifts their well-meaning friends and family so loving purchased for them.  They return things like sweaters, bathrobes, and slippers that look like sock-monkeys and exchange them for things they “really wanted” like furry boots and pajama bottoms that say “sweet thang” on the butt.

Since I brought it up and this is the Kerry Blog, let’s talk about bad gifts for a moment.  Gifts you wouldn’t even think of regifting.  I’ve mentioned two gifts I’ve received in Christmases past, the How to Go to Hell book and the Crown Royal bag of loose change, but that’s only a sampling.  I have yet to tell y’all about the year I opened eyeshadow (really, who gives eyeshadow?) that had been at least tested, if not used.  When I was 17, a boyfriend gave me a koosh ball — just a koosh ball.  A former close friend gave me a margarita glass once (I used to have one drink once a year, literally).  Let’s see, I’ve gotten personalized things with my name spelled wrong.  It’s Kerry; not Carrie, Keri, Cary, Kerri, or any other combination of those letters — it’s really not that difficult to spell.  Other bad gifts include imitation brie, a tshirt WITH matching earrings of that leaning cherub that was on everything 20 or so years ago, tiny earrings, and odd things that say “bee” on them because people know I love bees (but not just the word). Not the nice things, I’m talking the “I saw this and thought of you” things with bees. Please do not think of me at Goodwill.

On the other hand, I am the giver of all gifters. It’s a sickness. I love giving gifts. I love everything about it. The gift idea, shopping, picking the wrapping and ribbon, wrapping, and giving. It’s serious business for me. It’s ridiculous is what it is.

As I’m writing this, WordPress isn’t formatting correctly, so I don’t know what it will look like. Chances are I’ll have to rework it a dozen times.

Here I go to ice my finger and elevate it. Love you people.

12/365: Always On My Mind

I’m not much up for typing today as my finger is and will be recovering for a couple of weeks, but I DO have a superfantastic song for you (as I do everyday).

“Aways On My Mind” lends itself to many renditions and covers. Personally, I’ve found something different in the three main ones. Elvis sings it soulfully and warmly. Willie’s version was the only reason I wanted to see him in concert. It moved me to tears. I’ve possibly never seen someone who puts so much heart into what he sings. Then there’s my PSB. You have something meaningful, but there’s no saccharine. You have Neil Tennant’s very British, eager voice. And baby, you have Chris Lowe giving us some of the best synth-pop ever recorded (and I know what I’m talking about).

This one has been s favorite since 1987. It never fails to make me smile and it was on my biking mixtape in college, which became my “fun drive” mixtape after that. The Pet Shop Boys are ALL ABOUT FUN. And while I can’t use my finger, I need some fun.

11/365: where my brain is today

Today I tried to spell “gem” to Andrew with a J like “Jem and the Holograms.” Mother of the year.

I did not have a Coke float from Sonic today. Things just weren’t the same. Yes, I have come to love them. It is an off-menu item. I’ve still managed to lose 15 lbs.

On another note (this whole post is another note), the most fun game ever to play is dodge the cars driving aimlessly through the doctor’s office parking lot.

For some reason I agreed to be a Nielson TV household for a week next month. They said my results will be used to determine broadcasting. Hope y’all like Martha StewartBakes and Seinfeld reruns. Really, I read that they’re going to make a few new episodes of AbFab next year and I can’t wait. How can you not love a show in which a character says about being sober, “worst 8 hours of my life”?

I say that and I’m not a big drinker, despite what graphics may appear on this blog and on CNN.

I wear waterproof mascara because I tend to have allergy-watery eyes. Anyway, I use this waterproof mascara remover and it doesn’t list the ingredients, but I’m pretty sure it’s Crisco, because this is the greasiest stuff on Earth and I can’t see after I use it and I tripped over a pair of shoes by my closet after leaving my bathroom.

Can I write a run-on sentence or what? You’d never believe I was an English Ed major. You’d probably believe that I dropped out of college after 3 and a half years. I did. It was a good decision, made a lot of people proud. Made myself happy.

You know what the impressive thing I learned from my college advisor was? That “awkward” is the most satisfying word to type or spell out loud. Shout out to Fran! I may have told you this before, but at the award ceremony (or whatever it was) for my major, Dana and I won tennis lessons with Fran. We didn’t cash that prize in.

I learned how to make an em dash on my Mac (—). You’d probably just call that a dash, but no, it’s an em dash. This will change my life.

In case you’re wondering, it’s called the “em dash” because the character is the same width as an M. It’s a unit of measure in the world of typography. Of course I would know that. There is also an “en dash.” Guess how wide that one is. I’ll wait.

Recently I read an essay condemning the use of em dashes. It pissed me off (as things tend to do). The author said using it leads to less efficient writing. I’ve never met a writer who questioned if their work was efficient. Good, relevant, smart — yes. Besides, if the punctuation was good enough for Billy Shakespeare and Em-dash Dickinson, it’s good enough for me.

I do not want to go back to the dermatologist for a long time. My finger is still completely numb from today’s visit.

Confession: I watch the Food Network when nothing else is on, thus I have it on a lot. I miss Rachael Ray because I loved watching her gather all of the ingredients and things she’s going to use at the beginning of the show because I’m waiting for her to drop something. She piles up things like crazy and carries 20 things at once. She is bound to drop something on one episode. This is the same reason I watch ice skating. I like the falls. Yes, I am a horrible person.

By they way, the Winter Olympics are next month. Yay — falling skaters!

Today’s song is “All Day Today” by Hospitality, a fun little band. The lead singer has a nice distinct voice. I like them.