Archives for August 3, 2017

My hair is no longer curly and other things that bother me

 My hair is no longer curly. My hair has been curly since puberty. Very curly. If you’ve been reading for a few minutes you know this. After my first child was born in 2001: A Baby Odyssey, my hair turned from red to a medium beige-ish — which is a noncolor. It’s not a color. I’ve colored it ever since. My current color being Carrera Red. Several stylists and ob/gyns have said it’s due to hormone changes. Back to the curly thing. A couple of months ago my hair would go from curly in the morning to a little curly in the evening. Now it starts out barely curly in the morning and is barely wavy in the afternoon. I guess I’ll save money on all those curly hair products. 

I’ve been listening to a bunch of podcasts over the last few months, mainly true crime. I have my favorites and I’m pretty close to dropping one because one of hosts pronounces “picture” as “pitcher.” Yes, that’s enough to set me off. 

Band names these days have dumb names. If I were to start a cover band (and don’t think I haven’t thought of it — Dana and I have at least 120 band names at the ready and errrybody knows that’s all you need), “Go Your Own Way” is the first song I’d put in my repertoire. No lie. 

Stop saying “I love my tribe/they are part of my tribe.” You are not a Native American, you are in a mall at Cinnabon in Dallas. 

I watch a show on Food Network called “Chopped.” one of the dozens of shows I watch on that channel. One cheftestant was named Sammy Davis, Jr. but he wasn’t THE Sammy Davis, Jr. THE Sammy Davis, Jr. is dead, so of course he’s not on “Chopped.” Chef Sammy Davis Jr. should have to put “*not related” on the show’s chyrons. Now, I’ve looked him up and his reviews are fantastic — who wants to go with me to Maryland to eat at his restaurant? With any luck, his restaurant sells shirts that say “Sammy Davis, Jr*  made my dinner! *not related. 

If you ever appear on a reality show, don’t say “you haven’t seen the last of me” because yes, we just did. 

If you are ever on a reality show don’t say “I’m not here to make friends” unless you mean it. Because I am literally never anywhere to make friends because I have exactly enough friends. 

My new lipstick says to exfoliate my lips before wearing. Now I have to exfoliate my lips? With what? Can it be the sugar on the rim of a raspberry margarita? Because thats my kind of exfoliating. 

There was a big email announcement from my daughter’s high school that there were dress code changes. I was hoping the outlawed the big hoodies they all wear. Nope. They are now allowing boys to have trimmed facial hair (gasp!) and boys are allowed to have pierced ears. My old high school principal would die. 

My new dog is afraid of plastic bags. I keep yelling “it’s just a bag!” when someone is using a bag, but she doesn’t know what I’m talking about because she only knows her name and the words no, outside, and come on. I should probably order Hooked on Phonics for Dogs. 

My girls want to go to Hot Topic for back to school tshirt shopping. That shore gives my anxiety anxiety. Also, I don’t remember ever wearing a regular tshirt in high school.  Because I thought I was in Sassy Magazine. 

People, the word is SHERBET, not sherBERT. 

Not to be lewd, but it’s never “hot as balls.” Unless you’re talking about those big red balls we used to play 4-square with if you left it in the sun all day. But you’re not talking about 4-square balls and we all know it. Stop saying that. 

Here’s a big pet peeve: tv shows and websites need to stop calling everything “lifehacks.” Seriously, Today Show woman, they’re melon balls! My 14 year old makes them. It’s not a “watermelon hack.”

Overheard at nice restaurant we went to for my husband’s birthday:

“I’d like the chicken.”

“We don’t have chicken, we have conrnish hens.”

“What are those?”

“They’re like little chickens.”

“Do they taste like chickens?”

“Pretty much.”

“I’ll have two of those.”

Then we went to a certain comedy concert and heard this from the people behind us before the show:

“Awe look, they got buckets’a’beer.”

“I din’ see dem at the bar.”

10 minutes later:

“I’m gonna get me one’a those buckets.”

“Shoot, I’mma go witcha.”