Archives for May 2014

40 Years in 40 Days: 1974

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Me in 1974

I’ll be 40 in 40 days, so I’m going to look back at the last 40 years. But not for long, because let’s face it, I’m getting old and 1) it can’t be THAT long until my memory goes, 2) do we really need to remember some of the years for very long? I mean, the disco years? 3) I’ve committed to 40 posts in 40 days, let’s not push it. And I’ve decided to include a photo of myself from each year, maybe.

A lot of stuff happened in 1974. I’ll be giving you the Wikipedia version followed by my personal thoughts.

 

Is it weird that Carrie came out that year and my parents named me Kerry? I think so. I think my obsession with the Watergate Scandal has a lot to do with it happening the year I was born.

For fun, here’s my favorite song of 1974:

And you probably know The Godfather Part II came out in 1974, but here’s one of my favorite clips from The Great Gatsby.

“wow your really beautiful”

So, some of my friends, as well as I, have a unique sense of humor. Since Facebook comments has replaced getting together to watch television “events,” we create groups or pages so friends can leave comments on threads about the Oscars or TV movies. Last night I was invited to a group to snarkily review “Petals On the Wind,” the sequel to “Flowers in the Attic,” which is a novel most of us read in middle or high school for the scandalous nature of it. A couple of months ago, there was a TV movie made for it and BOY, was it cray cray. In case you aren’t familiar, incest is a topic in the novel and movie (no, they don’t show anything in the movie, we’re not pervs, people).

Well, my satellite went out and I couldn’t see it. I know, so sad.

And the only comment I left on the Facebook event page was “my satellite is out, so I’m out.”  I didn’t think anything about it for the rest of the night because my husband and I found something on Netflix to watch and I looked up chalk painted cabinets on Pinterest.

This morning I had a friend request from someone and I approved it because I figured it was a friend of a friend.

Then this happened this afternoon.

Andy1 Andy2

 

Oh, Andy. You should start with “I saw you in the incest sex room” in all conversations.

I blocked him. After I mocked him.

Piglet on Depression

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Fact: I hate Pooh Bear.

Fact: Piglet is annoying, but correct.

Fact: Getting help is worth it. If you don’t know who to ask or what to do, Google it or contact me up there on the right and I’ll do my best to help.

Material for my book is happening

Because I say so, listen to this while you read: 

Y’all, I moved to Texas two months ago and have felt exactly like this every day:

Say "everything's bigger in Texas" one more time.

Say “everything’s bigger in Texas” one more time.

Our closing was postponed by 5 days while our possessions were on a truck along with my suitcase, because I AM A GENIUS. During that time we had the Mother-in-Law staycation, while we were homeless because all of our possessions were on a truck and we couldn’t close on the new house yet because we hadn’t closed on the old house. During MILStaycation, I had exactly two McDonald’s apple pies, two TCBY mint chocolate chip shakes, a bunch of sunflower seeds, 42 cups of coffee (half were iced), and bites of ham and cheese. That was my diet for a week. Super health nut, I know.

And so, we moved to Texas. Three children, one husband, and one basset hound, The Honorable Former Judge Lucille Brown of the Great State of Mississippi. This is the house.

reeree

 

It kind of looks like a painting, but it’s real. I have real landscaping with real roses and oleander in the backyard. I have a courtyard that I can lock, so no one can actually come to my front door if I so desire. Suck it, trick or treaters.

Here are half of the light switches for my open concept living/kitchen. Yes, I’ve been watching way too much HGTV and I have open concept everything in my home. And granite and wood and tile floors. Just once I want the people on House Hunters to say “UGH! Granite countertops?! I want butcher block counters and wall-to-wall linoleum, textured wallpaper and all vertical blinds.”

I have no idea what turns on what.

I have no idea what turns on what.

Like I said, we have a dog. She’s a hound dog. We got this note stuck in the gate of our courtyard after being in our new neighborhood for one week.

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First, I do not respect someone who writes in Arial and prints a note to a neighbor in landscape mode. Yes, let me adjust my seven-year-old hound dog’s morning routine for you. Is there anything else I can do? Do the tiny yippy dogs not bother you? Just my hound dog? And, she did not howl for 30 minutes; I am home every weekday until 7:40 and I would never let her howl for more than a couple of minutes. Also, I do tutoring for English/Grammar if you’d like to drop by. No, I don’t – I hate people, but seriously – it’s called proofreading.

Because we are such wonderful pet owners, we decided to adopt a kitten. Actually two kittens, but one died due to Fading Kitten Syndrome. I promise I am not making this up. This is the kind of shit that happens to me because of course it does. This is F. Catz Fitzgerald.

We have the same color hair.

We have the same color hair.

We adopted Fitz the day before Easter. Guess what? There was a note waiting on my car when we happily carried the kitten to come home with us. Texas hates my guts. Texas couldn’t hate my guts more if I punched the ghost of Ladybird Johnson. The Ghost of Ladybird Johnson is my new band’s name, by the way. Here is the note from the person who hates my parking.

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Yes, they wished me a happy Easter and drew a picture of what may be a happy sun. You should know that I was parked far away from any other cars in the parking lot and there were no other cars around me when I returned to my car. I do not understand the Texas Notewriters, but I suppose I need to carry stationery in my car just in case. Hell, I’m putting one of my typewriters on the dashboard, baby. Y’all are going to get real notes – and I’ll sign them with my name, not anonymously as if I’m writing for the greater good of society. Bitches. Of course, I’m not going to do this because I’m in Texas and everyone has a handgun, shotgun, and grenades in their trucks and I’m afraid of them. I mean, THIS is an ambulance.

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Really, this is around the corner from my subdivision. Everything in Texas is on steroids. It’s not that things are bigger, it’s that they’re on steroids and have major anger issues. As well as other issues. Even the art is angry. What do you expect when this is a painting in my new favorite restaurant?

10286931_10203803588345242_8307309927972585748_oTexas came in like a wrecking ball. No joke.

More later. Working on some random thoughts. There are many.

Edit: in my foolishness, I forgot to mention that the name of my town is HUMBLE. AND THAT IS IRONY, ALANIS.

Happy Mother’s Day

In case you still haven’t gotten your mother a gift, feel free to clip this coupon.

Don't cut your screen, please.

Don’t cut your screen, please.