live-blogging the grammy red carpet 2013

what? Chris Brown was in a car wreck? what are you saying Seacrest? why does Chris Brown have problems at Grammy time?

5:02 – Carly Rae Jepsen has some heavy bangs. sequined boring dress. "Call Me Maybe" is playing on a loop. 

5:05 – Kelly Osbourne needs to ditch the lavander hair. she looks like Dame Edna.

5:06 – Rhianna is in the 360 cam. her hair is cray cray.

5:07 – Timberho is in a suit and tie (traditional tux)

5:08 – y'all should know that I don't know who any of these people are. I mean the young people. I only know the old peeps. 

5:12 – Kathy Griffin needs to go back to redder hair. I speak from experience – light red hair isn't flattering on pale people.  

5:14 – LL COOL J! Ladies Love Cool James. I wish I had his big diamond earrings. I like the ivory tux. nice beret. I don't get to say "nice beret" enough.

5:17 – the guy from LMAO (or whatever) is wearing a camera as a necklace (almost like Flava Flav's clock), man-pris (capris for men), and loafers. bitch stole my look.

5:22 – some girl named Janelle in a tux with leopard lapels, tails, and a hat. I told y'all I didn't know who these people are. who the hell is Swedish House Mafia? Sweden has a mafia?

5:24 – Kat von D and Deadmau5. I don't get them. I don't know how you pronounce that either. 

5:25 – OMG someone is dressed in a space suit and did the moonwalk.

5:28 – Chris Brown. I have nothing to say.

5:33 – this band is named Fun. they look fun. or fun enough.I really hate the shaved head with the top of the hair left. it's gross.

5:34 – I think this guy's name is Neyo. his girl's boobs are going to pop out any second.

5:38 – The Lumineers! they are not fashion icons. just musical icons. but that's fine with me.

5:39 – some girl in the background looks like a fancy Ariel the Little Mermaid. total mermaid dress. long red braid. I'm not sure if part of her head was shaved or not. she was a little rough, but a little fancy.

5:42 – Jack White is too pale. Jack, call me, we'll talk. lighten the hair, it will do wonders for the complexion. 

5:45 – no idea who this guy is and they aren't putting his name up. so aggravating.

5:46 – his name is Trey Songz. bet that's a stage name.

5:47 – it's NPH and his husband! they look great. no tuxes, but good. they are color coordinated. of course.

5:54 – it's John Legend. I know who he is. his woman has the one-side-of-the-head hairdo and a dress with a bare midriff. do people still say bare midriff.

5:55 – it's Taylor Swift. her dress is Greek Goddess Chic. I do not like the dog collar thing around her neck. I like her better blonder. and with lipstick.

5:58 – JLO – you are not Angelina Jolie. put the leg up. 

6:00 – just for my friend Syralja  - Taylor Swift has the worst posture ever and she is not Princess Leia and never will be. 

6:03 – ugh. Taylor Swift just tried to pose.

6:03 – it's Florence and the Miami Sound Machine in green. you know, green is the color of the year. Florence looks a little Green Goblin Realness. it's all green. green strappy shoes.

6:05 – Adele! Love her and love her hair.

6:08 – there is a guy named Kaskade. whatev.

6:11 – I kinda need Adele's dress.

6:13 – ?uestLove!

6:15 – it's Adam Levine. black on black tux. boring. 

6:18 – same thing with Dave Grohl. guys, y'all have to shake it up. I know black is rock 'n roll, but it's boring.

6:27 – Nicole Kidman, go back to red hair.

6:31 – Kat Dennings is wearing some Star Trek dress. it is a miracle of duct tape that her dress is staying up because those are some giant boobs. that fabric is unfortunate. 

6:33 – Kelly Rowland's dress has cut-outs all over. I like her giant green rings.

6:39 – JLO – seriously, the leg.

6:41 – Katy Perry is wearing a mint colored dress. she says she was inspired by Priscilla Presley in the 70s. for Elvis' sake. sheesh.

6:51 – okay – I had to pour myself some tea and got distracted and missed 10 minutes. Justin Beiber is up next and I don't care anything about that, so I'm signing off. that was incredibly boring. celebs, you can do way better.

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