Archives for November 2012

oh, Yoko

Somebody let Yoko Ono design men's clothing. Here's what she came up with.

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What man doesn't love a mesh shirt with shoulder cut-outs? I'm getting this ensemble for all the men on my Christmas list. Maybe not my dad. Yes, that is a  hand on the crotch. A really big hands. Man hands.

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Good news! The crotch hands pants also come in pink. Nothing says sexy like pink crotch hands pants. And pair it with the nipple cut-out tank top because nothing is sexier than man nipples. 

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Okay, nothing is sexier than a man nipple bra paired with crotch hands pants? 

Welcome to the part of the blog where I confess things because I feel like after writing this wordapallooza, I feel like I know you people.

I have never been to a gay bar, but I'm pretty sure a gay bar on New Year's is the only place you could wear this outfit. Unless you are Lady Gaga or Ke$ha or Katy Perry, then this is fine for the family Christmas party with the in-laws. Better yet, wear it to the kids' school holiday program.

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Remember when I said nothing is sexier than a man nipple bra paired with crotch hands pants? Strike that. Nothing is sexier than a man in a love-handle cut-out blazer and thigh cut-out pants. This is okay with the slender man, but you know the love-handled man will buy it to wear to tailgate in with his "no fat chicks" shirt. 

And Yoko, errrybody knows those are Prince's pants. 

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This is a board with bells that says "RING FOR YOUR MOMMY PIECE y.o. 69-12." I do not know what this means. I am not clever enough to get Yoko's wit. Why would one wear bells on the chest? and what is y.o. 69-12? is that 1969-2012? Yoko married John Lennon in 1969 – is that it? If so, by using the dash, is she confirming that John is still alive and on Celebrity Fake Death Island with Elvis and Michael Jackson?  Does she want him to contact her via bells? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS.

Yoko, let's face it – you had me at mens pink mesh cut-out shirt.

 

while I was shopping for curtains…

I found something odd. I won't mention the site name, but if you happen to need a body bag, just google.

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this NFL football player is afraid of horses

I saw this on BuzzFeed and laughed so hard I almost wet my pants. Then I realized that Eric Berry is to horses as I am to birds. And that is scary stuff, people. 

Still, it's fun to laugh at the phobias of other people. Eric, if you're reading this (and I know you're not because you're awesome and I'm just some chick who is afraid of birds – come on, have you seen the movie The Birds?), I feel you, man. That is one big horse. And might I add, Go Chiefs.

 

I feel the need to quote Mr. Berry:

“Aw hell nah, there go that horse. I don’t f*ck with that horse.”

“The horse. I gotta wait ’til the horse pass. I don’t mess with horses, bruh. Straight up. Might come over here and throw a tantrum.”

“Hold up, coach, that horse out there. That horse. Oooh, she need to go on ahead with that horse. I don’t fool with no horses, boy. Hell nah.”

Read more: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2012/11/eric-berry-has-crippling-horse-phobia.html#ixzz2CAO45x7L

 

the 2012 Vicky’s Secrets “fashion” show

Vicky's Secrets has succeeded again in making the Parade of Nations at the Miss Universe Pageant look like a real fashion show with a more diverse clientele. I have to warn you: if you are prone to siesures or are offended by tacky crap hot-glued Project Runway style onto Glamazons with extensions and 6-inch heels, you may want to pass on this post.

For the rest of you, behold the best and worst of the Victoria Secret WTFashion* Show.

 

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Ladies and gentlemen, the tackiest show on Earth!
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one big gust of wind and she's gone
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finally, lingerie to reflect my Irish heritage
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wear this for the man in your life with the pink poodle fetish
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Justin Bieber and Erector Set Rainbow Brite
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May pole dancer was my minor in college
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now reporting from Hurricane Whore
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50 Shades of Grey, look out – bring in da knives, bring in da pain
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and now in ring #3, Sexy Tiger jumps through hoops of fire
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teacher says, "every time a bell rings, an underwear model gets her wings!"

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This photo reminded me of something else – the Seasons song from Grease 2. You know the one.

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*WTFashion is my word, don't even think of using it.

Thanksgiving rules from Sam

Sam Sifton was a New York Times restaurant critic and has written a Thanksgiving cookbook – more importantly, he has Thanksgiving rules and I couldn't be happier than he made a video about them. Thanksgiving is easy – don't eff it up with salad. Don't serve weird foods. Have I told y'all about the time we went to a family Thanksgiving and egg drop soup and prime rib was served. It was completely bizarre. Don't do that. Follow the rules.

 

 

show this to your daughters

Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor came to Sesame Street to tell little girls that playing princess is fun, but it's not a job. 

 

Will-I-Who?

At last night's Obama re-election party, a reporter misidentifies Will-I-Am as Wyclef Jean, then as Wale, before he's corrected. I like that the reporter does my patented "look who it is!" because he clearly does not know who he is and hopes viewers will say "it's Will-I-Am!' at home back to their tvs.

 

live-blogging the election returns

7:27  CST – I love rootbeer.

7:28 – I'm watching the returns on CNN because they are home of hologram analysts and I'm hoping Jem shows up.

7:32 – I have heard the phrase "white knuckles" twice. I predict this to be the phrase of the night.

7:35 – John King needs to move over and let my pretend boyfriend Anderson Cooper tell it.

7:37 – OMG a CNN reporter just added something by hand with no use of a calculator. No child left behind, y'all.

7:41 – who is going to see this Lincoln movie? Didn't Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer cover everything?

7:43 – Mittens is leading the President by 10 Electoral votes. 

7:45 – Did you see that New Jersey has allowed voting via emailing someone's Hotmail account? Someone's going to sue over that. You know they will.

7:47 – Wolf: "why do they always have problems counting votes in Palm Beach Co, Florida? You'd think in this day and age…" 

7:51 – they're talking about the long lines to vote and that Virginia may not close polls until midnight because of how many people are still waiting in lines. I will take this time to remind my readers that I waited for over four hours while eight months pregnant OUTSIDE in Georgia to vote in 2000, then we didn't know who won for a month. I predict we will have recounts and such after tonight as well, but without Dan Rather.

8:00 – Mittens has a projected 152 Electoral votes, Obama has 123. 270 to win. 

8:05 – let's all remember that "projected votes" are just that.

8:17 – you would think all of the United States was in Florida.

8:19 – where do I get one of these giant touchscreens?

8:30 – out of the mouths of Wolves: "is this a repeat of 2000?!"

8:34 – I'm pretty sure they just said "Rap-a-ho" county. 

8:39 – I voted for Robert Downey Jr and Thor.

8:44 – were all of the people working in your polling place 80 years old too? one of the women was yelling the spellings of names to a man with a hearing aid. it was like going to Picadilly at 4:30 in the afternoon.

8:57 – a reporter in Iowa named Poppy. I love that name. and Piper. and Pepper. does that make me weird.

9:00 – bored. they shouldn't have coverage of the returns until at least 10.

9:16 – yea! James Carville. finally.

9:18 – "if you look at Florida, the President is winning with non-Cuban Hispanics," some CNN chick. why report that?

9:31 – Mittens is ahead in the popular vote. we shall see.

9:39 – until there is more info, I'm leaving you with this (beacuse hell if it isn't all I'm seeing anyway):

 

Kerry’s election night drinking game

Not that I'm advocating drinking, but if you were to drink tonight, feel free to use this handy dandy game to get your drank on. I have a cold, so I'll probably be having rootbeer.

Take a drink if:

1. CNN uses a hologram of someone for no reason.

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Jem and the Will.I.Am hologram in CNN's 2008 election night coverage

 

2. CNN uses a hologram of Abraham Lincoln.

3. Any analyst says "Ohio" or "Florida."

4. Dan Rather is brought out to say things like, "This will show you how tight it is — it's spandex tight." Yes, he actually said that once.

5. Obama thanks Jay-Z in his acceptance/consession speech.

6. Wolf Blitzer loses his shit and shaves his beard.

7. One of your Facebook friends posts "when will this be over?"

8. One of your Facebook friends says they will move to Canada if their candidate is not elected.

9. A Third Party Candidate is mentioned.

10. Tom Brokaw mentions The Greatest Generation.

11. Any analyst says "Romnesia."

12. A photo of Mitt's dog is shown.

13. A photo of Paul Ryan working out is shown.

14. Any analyst says "it's too close to call."

15. The video of Oprah or Jesse Jackson crying in 2008 is shown.

16. An analyst uses a giant touchscreen to show Electoral College votes.

17. Scary Lizardface James Carville laughs manically at something.

18. Mitt has a hair fall out of place.

19. Someone calls the President "Barack Hussein Obama." Drink eleventy-seven drinks if someone says "Barack Hussein Osama" accidentally.

20. Brian Williams slowjams the results.

 

Bonus Round:

Finish your drink if you start thinking one of the analysts is sexy. You're probably already drunk. 

Extra Bonus Points:

Give yourself all the points if Obama sings "Single Ladies" or says "if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it" in a concession speech. 

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Note: this is not an anti-Obama post. I just don't have a GIF of Mitt's head doing the "Single Ladies" dance. Remember, The Kerry Blog is non-partisan. I make fun of everyone.

tainted love

Am I the only person who didn't know "Tainted Love" was originally a Motown-style B-side of a flop record from 1964 by Gloria Jones? It's kind of amazine. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings need to record this immediately.