things I’ve said or texted while high on cough medicine this week

So, I've had to take cough medicine because of my bronchitis this week and cough medicine (and steroids) make me seriously loopy and when I'm loopy I tend to say or text or send wacky facebook messages. I've collected some of those for y'all to read.

I'm just listing them with no context (because it's funnier that way).


I wish you could brush my teeth for me. No, I mean take my teeth out, brush them and put them back in my mouth.

Do I sound really weird right now?

I think I sound like Kathleen Turner.

I do not sound like Stephen Hawking. That's not sexy.

Does my hair look bad?

I need chapstick.

Omg. I thought narwhals were made up. My Alec Baldwin is telling me they're real. Via television. I'm not hearing voices.

Elephant seals are some ugly mofos.

Elephant seals look like they have penises on their face. 

Well, fine, I don't want to talk to you about penis faces either.

I'm wired. I'm watching American Pickers and they found a velvet painting of Bocephus in a garage.

WTF? Falco died in 1998?! Where was I?

I'm so sick of hearing about Greek yogurt.

I really want an Orange Julius, but raspberry. Please bring me one. Thanks.

Is it hot in here?

Ooo – Fibromayalja? I think you can take medical marijauna for that. Ask about that.

I want to get a baby pygmy hippopotamus. 

Fax it to me. Shit. I don't have a fax machine.

I'm so sick I'm watching a Jane Austen movie with Gwyneth Paltrow.


  1. I’m so excited about this post. Several of these messages were to me!

  2. That’s because I love you enough to drunk text you.

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