Archives for April 2012

announcement

So, this weekend I started a photo blog at licensetosnark.typepad.com, featuring pictures I’ve taken of stupid vanity license plates. It makes me laugh. Go check it out.

More here tomorrow!

30 days of food: Favorite Alcoholic Drink

Y’all know it’s a White Russian. Raspberry Margarita on Cinco de Mayo, amigo.

in which I am called out by name on a blog about elephant mating

NSFW: potential elephant porn.

I've been blogging for a long time. Since 2002, when I lived in Canadaland and wanted to share photos of the first born and cute stories with the family back home. Being a blogger, I also read quite a few blogs on various subjects, one being a blog about circuses and zoos because the author posts lovely photos of old zoos and circuses. 

When I visited this particular blog a few days ago, I read about an elephant at the Calgary Zoo who received caps on his tusks. The hubs and I visited this zoo shortly after the elephant had his first cap and being fond of elephants, I found his story endearing. I commented on the post, saying:

My husband and I saw Spike while on a vacation to Calgary just after he got the original metal tusk. We heard all about what went into making it. 
I love elephants and hated seeing he and the female elephants in such a small enclosure. It looks even smaller in person (referring to your photos in the other post). At the time, Spike was trying to mate with the females and they were trying to get away from him, but had no place to go. Imagine the children in the crowd asking what the big elephant was doing! I'll never forget that trip. 
When we left the zoo, I told my husband the enclosure seemed awfully small and the elephants seemed so unhappy. But I wasn't sure if it was Spike's frustration with the females, the small enclosure, or the females wanting no part of mating!

I thought this was a humorous story, because I have a sense of humor. 

Tonight I checked the blog and saw this reply from the blog's author:

Kerry,
Thank you for your comment honest, insightful comment. Animal's mating at the zoo, or attempting to mate is a normal part of the "zoo experience." Animal's propagate, they don't make love. When an female is in estrous nothing, not even God almighty can stop the process if she is with a male. Imagine the plight of a wild animal trainer, in the midst of a performance with male and females, having to control that "urge" for 15 mins. or until the performance is ended, and the animals can "carry on."
You may have been "misinterpreting" what you were seeing in regards to the "females trying to get away from him, with no place to go." 
It can take inexperienced males a bit of rooting around with the flexible penis before finding the vulva. As is well known, the elephant vulva is not located just beneath the tail as is the case in most mammals, but down on the ventral surface and well between the legs, meaning that the vagina is very long. This unusual position means that pregnancies are sometimes unnoticed and even that females have on occasion been mistakenly identified as male.

Why elephants are built like this has been a long standing question. In order for mating to be successful then, the penis has to be both long and flexible. Naturally S-curved (with the tip pointing upwards), it can be up to 1 m long (some sources say up to 1.5 m) and have a girth of 16 cm. It has a Y-shaped external urethal opening and is controlled by a large levator penis muscle. The clitoris is also large, at approximately 40 cm, and is manipulated by a levator clitoris muscle. 
I disagree also with your assessment of the size of the of the enclosure. Some stallions will mate "like gentlemen," while others have to be collected on a phantom mare given they will savagely ravage a live mare during the mating process. There may have been a lot of "circumstances" going on that day, that you misinterpreted as "awfully small" "elephant's seemed so unhappy" "Spikes frustration" "females wanting no part of mating." Sometimes in the scheme of endangered species "females wanting no part of mating," is not an option offered to them.

 

Let all that sink in for a second. 

Because I cannot let anything go, I commented back: 

I didn't expect such a vivid explanation. Perhaps I should have mentioned that the female elephants were running from Spike and there was no actual mating while we were listening to the trainer talk about the replacement tusk. Only Spike's erect penis and pre-ejaculate. I understand that I am in know way an animal expert (I just enjoy your blog), but I am a woman and I know a thing or two about not being in the mood, trust me – the mares were not. No, animals may not make love, but they might have "a headache" once in a while. 
I'm not offended in the least to have you disagree with me. I admire your work with animals and as I've mentioned, enjoy your blog. I also have a blog and am an expert in absolutely nothing (but now maybe I am an expert on elephant clitorises (clitori?).
Respectfully,
Kerry

 

Listen, we've talked about vaginas on this blog before, why not elephant vaginas? Hell, I'm the whole animal kingdom's gynecologist. Like I said to the author, I never said I was an animal expert. I am a stay-at-home mom with a Basset Hound and lots of neuroses. I was just offering up what I thought was funny anecdote to his post. My hubs and I have told this story countless times over the years. Have I mentioned that I rarely comment on blogs of people I don't actually know? Yeah, this may be why. 

So, the blogger wasn't content to school me in the ins and outs of elephant mating. He put up a new post today – my full name in the title with an actual photo of an aroused male elephant. Because, sure, I want my name forever associated online with an elephant's penis. 

Don't get me wrong, I believe everyone has the right to say whatever they want online or offline, but damn. To be called out on someone's blog by someone whom you respect for basically making a comment intended to be taken lightly – good grief, do we have to take to using emoticons to express when one is writing semi-satirically? And do I have to use the hated winky-face emoticon? I hate that. 

I'm not linking to the blog because I don't want my readers leaving ugly comments. He may read this, as he no doubt knows how to use the Google to look me up. There is nothing worse than being quoted back to yourself out of context, but having your name above the picture of an elephant penis is right up there in the top 5. 

30 days of food Challenge – Day 26: Favorite Non Alcoholic Drink

Coffee. I like my coffee like I like my men: tall, sweet, and tan (with a pastry on the side). Welcome to the joke I've been making since 1990. Really, that is an old joke. 

P.S. I also really love sweet tea.

P.S. (x2) I know I've slacked in the Challenge while I was ill, but you probably don't care, do you? I didn't think so.

things I’ve said or texted while high on cough medicine this week

So, I've had to take cough medicine because of my bronchitis this week and cough medicine (and steroids) make me seriously loopy and when I'm loopy I tend to say or text or send wacky facebook messages. I've collected some of those for y'all to read.

I'm just listing them with no context (because it's funnier that way).

 

I wish you could brush my teeth for me. No, I mean take my teeth out, brush them and put them back in my mouth.

Do I sound really weird right now?

I think I sound like Kathleen Turner.

I do not sound like Stephen Hawking. That's not sexy.

Does my hair look bad?

I need chapstick.

Omg. I thought narwhals were made up. My Alec Baldwin is telling me they're real. Via television. I'm not hearing voices.

Elephant seals are some ugly mofos.

Elephant seals look like they have penises on their face. 

Well, fine, I don't want to talk to you about penis faces either.

I'm wired. I'm watching American Pickers and they found a velvet painting of Bocephus in a garage.

WTF? Falco died in 1998?! Where was I?

I'm so sick of hearing about Greek yogurt.

I really want an Orange Julius, but raspberry. Please bring me one. Thanks.

Is it hot in here?

Ooo – Fibromayalja? I think you can take medical marijauna for that. Ask about that.

I want to get a baby pygmy hippopotamus. 

Fax it to me. Shit. I don't have a fax machine.

I'm so sick I'm watching a Jane Austen movie with Gwyneth Paltrow.

where are you, evan dando?

I need this pillow.

 

Il_570xN.272146815
Have I mentioned that I have bronchitis? Hopefully I'll feel like blogging tomorrow. For the past few days I've been busy trying to make my lungs work with some Fix-A-Flat and a bicycle pump. You may think that's odd, but it's the top treatment for bronchitis in countries with social healthcare. Really, I went to the ER in Canada with Bronchitis and they told me to go home and use my inhaler and I would be better in a few weeks. Weeks.

As we all know, ain't nobody got time for bronchitis. 

 

you people

Thanks whoever googled this and landed on my blog:

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#6 with a bullet, baby.

best obit ever

I'm sharing this obituary, which is the best obituary I've ever read. 

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30 days of food Challenge – Day 19: Favorite Snack Food

My favorite snack food would probably be all of them. Not really. I really like M&Ms. I also like a Snickers. And cookies. Did you think I was going to say an orange? Hell no. 

pretty paper flowers

These are the new paper flowers on my mantle. All of my favorite colors and words on the green roses. And streamery-things!

pretty paper flowers