another random tuesday

Today has been weird. Not that yesterday wasn't weird, but today was even more so.

I really need a nap. I had a hard time sleeping last night, despite taking Ambien and anxiety drugs. I dreamed that I was at a Walmart with a lot of celebrities and a few of my friends. I was wearing something with one shoulder that I would never wear in real life and I was talking to Matthew Broderick, which would totally happen in real life. Also, I haven't been to a Walmart in several years.

My obsession with Hoarders is probably overboard when I'm talking about it with a friend at lunch and a complete stranger chimes in from another table and asks if we're talking about Hoarders. She then asked if we watch Extreme Couponing and my friend actually said "no, the people on that show are crazy."

Do you ever get the feeling that the fortune cookie fortune writers aren't even trying?

My Target lady told me today that she was going to wait until I put everything from my cart onto the conveyor belt before she started ringing me up because she wanted to see I was getting. She said "I know how you do." This is the same lady that said "it can't be that bad" when bought a bottle of Kaluha and a softball bat.

When family members on Hoarders say "it can't get worse than this" when they see the first room, you know it's going to be 10 times worse when they go into the bathroom or kitchen.

Ben Folds Five is releasing a new album this spring. Do you know how excited I am? 

I'm watching an Oprah interview with George Lucas and his girlfriend. The girlfriend told O that she had to teach George all the things about being black and now he's an expert in black. Then he waved one finger at the camera and said he learned how to be a black mother. I'm not making this up. I promise. I swear.

Raise your hand if you knew George Lucas was dating a black woman. Shut up – you did not.

I went to the bowling alley today to put a deposit down for the 11 year old's birthday. There was a sign on the door that said "proper dress required." Thank goodess I have a bowling shirt. I really do. I think I need a glove. You should know that I practically grew up in a bowling alley. My mom and grandmother were on leagues and I went to the bowling alley with them as often as possible. The bowling alley is where I mastered my Centipede game and ate grilled cheese sandwiches. I was on a first name basis with the concession people. The bowling alley in my town has an adjacent day care center and an urgent care office across the parking lot. I love America.

My mouth tastes like cilantro.

Did you hear Snoop Dogg has endorsed Ron Paul? I love America. He tweeted a picture of Ron Paul with the caption "smoke weed everyday." You can't make this stuff up, people.

Would it be wrong to have M&Ms for dinner tonight? They're peanut, so – yay! protein.

My dad called War Horse "Horse Wars," then called it "Horse Whores" before saying it correctly. For the record, "Horse Whores" would be a terrible movie and possibly illegal, definitely insane. My dad also said he would not install ceiling fans in his girlfriend's house because he is not bonded and insured.

I bought a new nail polish and painted my nails this afternoon. Seven hours later it still smells wet. How am I going to sleep smelling that?

Tomorrow starts a new month and a new blog series. Cue the applause.

 

 

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