random mondayness

I'm pretty scattered lately (which I will write about this week), but for now, here's my random thoughts.

 

When they don't ask if you want sauce at Taco Bell, they're basically saying "eff you."

My favorite line from "Empire State of Mind" is when Jay-Z says "I could trip a referee" because that's about as gangsta as you get.

Remember when you could just leave MTV on for background music?

I had to make a phone call to someone named Clevelan today. Not Cleveland with a D. Clevelan.

Why do I say things like "okie dokie" on voicemails?

My 10 year old made fun of my accent today. I don't know who she thinks she is.

The worst part of an episode of Hoarders isn't when they find dead animals – it's when someone has 50 porcelain dolls. 

omg. Mommie Dearest is on. I may have to watch it just for the "don't fuck with me, fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!" speech. Joan Crawford was a amazing. Her last words were "Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me." She said it to her housekeeper, who was praying at Crawford's deathbed. For real. What a grand bitch. I mean that as a compliment. 

I was watching Hoarders and a man started to have a panic attack over wanting to keep a hat that had been in a box that some animal made a nest in. There is no joke here, there was really a nest in the box. A nest.

I've decided I want a cable channel to give me a reality show on scrapbooking (or anything really). My state is pretty much leading the country in reality shows right now with Sons of Guns, Cajun Pawn Stars, Bayou Billionaires, Swamp People, Big Shrimpin' and so on. My show will be called Southern Scrapbookin' and will feature what it takes to put on a big event and some of our more unique scrapbookers at my event. This will include the lady that fainted in September and the woman who yelled at me because we were out of Diet Coke. It would be great. My show would also feature when we go to different events, like the one in Orange Beach next week. It may or may not feature me flirting with waiters or trying to get into some company's game night in the lounge of the resort.

Okay, back to Hoarders – this guy hasn't had another person in his home since 1983. And he came out to his family. It wasn't shocking because he was hoarding things for entertaining or decor. That wasn't a joke either, he really was. I mean, how many clocks can one person need?

I have an M&M problem.

Okay, another thought on Hoarders – if the person lives in a trailer, why not tow the whole thing to the dump? I think that's a legitimate question.

I just saw a commercial for a product called The Potty Patch, a piece of astroturf for your dog to pee on in your house. America, this is why the rest of the world hates us.

 

 

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