Archives for January 2012

29 day television challenge

That's right. Quirky Tales, Vodka Cranberry Clooney, and this here blog are celebrating black history month by doing the 29 day television challenge because it's freakin' leap year.*

The days are as follows.

Day 01 – A show that should have never been canceled
Day 02 – A show that you wish more people were watching
Day 03 – Your favorite new show (aired this season)
Day 04 – Your favorite show ever
Day 05 – A show you hate
Day 06 – Favorite episode of your favorite television show
Day 07 – Least favorite episode of your favorite television show
Day 08 – Favorite reality show
Day 09 – Best scene ever
Day 10 – A show you thought you wouldn’t like but ended up loving
Day 11 – A show that disappointed you
Day 12 – Favorite childhood show
Day 13 – Favorite male character
Day 14 – Favorite female character
Day 15 – Your guilty pleasure show
Day 16 – Favorite mini series
Day 17 – Favorite title sequence
Day 18 – Best television show cast
Day 19 – Favorite kiss
Day 20 – Favorite relationship
Day 21 – Favorite series finale
Day 22 – Most annoying character
Day 23 – Best quote
Day 24 – A show you plan on watching (old or new)
Day 25 – OMG WTF? season finale
Day 26 – Best pilot episode
Day 27 – First television show obsession
Day 28 – Current television show obsession
Day 29 – Saddest character death

*okay, so it's not to celebrate black history month. It's also: American Heart Month, Wedding Month, Back For Family Fun Week, International Boost Self-Esteem Month, International Expect Success Month, National Bird Feeding Month, National Caffeine Addiction Awareness Month, National Cherry Month, National Children's Dental Health Month,  National Hot Breakfast Month, National Single and Searching Month, Plant the Seeds of Greatness Month, Publicity for Profit Month, Potato Lover's Month, Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month, Spiritual Teachers Month, and Wise Health Care Consumer Month.

For real – I wouldn't joke about National Caffeine Addiction Awareness Month.


another random tuesday

Today has been weird. Not that yesterday wasn't weird, but today was even more so.

I really need a nap. I had a hard time sleeping last night, despite taking Ambien and anxiety drugs. I dreamed that I was at a Walmart with a lot of celebrities and a few of my friends. I was wearing something with one shoulder that I would never wear in real life and I was talking to Matthew Broderick, which would totally happen in real life. Also, I haven't been to a Walmart in several years.

My obsession with Hoarders is probably overboard when I'm talking about it with a friend at lunch and a complete stranger chimes in from another table and asks if we're talking about Hoarders. She then asked if we watch Extreme Couponing and my friend actually said "no, the people on that show are crazy."

Do you ever get the feeling that the fortune cookie fortune writers aren't even trying?

My Target lady told me today that she was going to wait until I put everything from my cart onto the conveyor belt before she started ringing me up because she wanted to see I was getting. She said "I know how you do." This is the same lady that said "it can't be that bad" when bought a bottle of Kaluha and a softball bat.

When family members on Hoarders say "it can't get worse than this" when they see the first room, you know it's going to be 10 times worse when they go into the bathroom or kitchen.

Ben Folds Five is releasing a new album this spring. Do you know how excited I am? 

I'm watching an Oprah interview with George Lucas and his girlfriend. The girlfriend told O that she had to teach George all the things about being black and now he's an expert in black. Then he waved one finger at the camera and said he learned how to be a black mother. I'm not making this up. I promise. I swear.

Raise your hand if you knew George Lucas was dating a black woman. Shut up – you did not.

I went to the bowling alley today to put a deposit down for the 11 year old's birthday. There was a sign on the door that said "proper dress required." Thank goodess I have a bowling shirt. I really do. I think I need a glove. You should know that I practically grew up in a bowling alley. My mom and grandmother were on leagues and I went to the bowling alley with them as often as possible. The bowling alley is where I mastered my Centipede game and ate grilled cheese sandwiches. I was on a first name basis with the concession people. The bowling alley in my town has an adjacent day care center and an urgent care office across the parking lot. I love America.

My mouth tastes like cilantro.

Did you hear Snoop Dogg has endorsed Ron Paul? I love America. He tweeted a picture of Ron Paul with the caption "smoke weed everyday." You can't make this stuff up, people.

Would it be wrong to have M&Ms for dinner tonight? They're peanut, so – yay! protein.

My dad called War Horse "Horse Wars," then called it "Horse Whores" before saying it correctly. For the record, "Horse Whores" would be a terrible movie and possibly illegal, definitely insane. My dad also said he would not install ceiling fans in his girlfriend's house because he is not bonded and insured.

I bought a new nail polish and painted my nails this afternoon. Seven hours later it still smells wet. How am I going to sleep smelling that?

Tomorrow starts a new month and a new blog series. Cue the applause.




Dear Person in My Neighborhood Running Past My Mailbox:

just another random Sunday

Friday night, the hubs and I watched Real Steel, which you may know as Wolverine Teaches Transformers to Box. Yesterday I watched Batman Begins for the hundredth time. Now I'm watching The Prestige, which should be called Wolverine and Batman Do Magic!

I've been watching a lot of television lately. Don't judge.

As I tweeted yesterday, I told the hubs that Bruce Springsteen is now on the Jazzfest line up. He started singing "Jack and Diane," which is by John Cougar Mellencamp. That pretty much sums up the hubs.

Batman has lots of different haircuts in this movie. I'm not bothering to learn his name because he's Batman in every movie he's in.

I could find some guys hanging out in a music store and form a better band than the one in the Free Credit commercial.

David Bowie is in this. Why is he not in more movies? 

I don't think this is a true story. Bowie is playing Nikola Tesla and I don't recall reading that Tesla built machines for magicians. That would really beat Edison.

Okay, that movie was confusing. 

In other news, Lou Diamond Phillips (LDP) beat Coolio on a cooking competition tonight. Coolio kept yelling "shaka zulu" and for some reason thought he was getting his own cooking show upon winning. LDP was an overdramatic punk and referred to his 50 brazillion movies he's made. Well, LDP, the Internet Movie Database says you're starring in Arachnaconda next year. Arachnaconda. Is that a spider/snake? What in the name of La Bamba are you thinking?

Someone searched for "male gays wedding on beach" and landed on my blog. Yeah. There was also a search that I can't write because it's too awful. People are sick. You know who you are, person who searched for a certain pic of Miss Albania.

When the psychologist on Hoarders shows up in a suit I always think they are way overdressed.

More later. My brain is on overload.




I took this screencap of the episode of Hoarders I'm watching right now.

Screen Shot 2012-01-26 at 10.31.36 PM

beware of goats

shit samuel l. jackson says

If you have sensitive ears, don't watch this. For everyone else – enjoy.


addressing some idiot on you tube

Dear Person on You Tube Who Commented on One of My Videos That I Am:

"A very typical materialistic BITCH!! Who cares? Have you seen yourself in the mirror? Bucktooth fat bitch with a bad perm." That wasn't enough, so they commented on another video (of my neighbor's Christmas decor), "Your so FUCKING annoying!! This is why your so DAMN fat, bucktooth, and have a bad perm.  Go and do something with your life, than be a noisy neighbor!"

Naturally, I was offended because I do not have a perm. Get your facts straight, jackass. 

And I do not have buck teeth. I have a gap between my front teeth. If you're going to insult someone, at least get it right. 

As far as being fat, YOU GOT ME! Damn you and your perceptiveness! All these years I thought I was hiding the fat, but you found me out! Really, do you think you're the first person to call me fat? Do you think the word "fat" offends me? It doesn't. I know I'm fat. The thing is that fat is the easiest insult to go with because it's SO obvious and easy. If it weren't those things, children wouldn't say it to taunt other children on playgrounds. So, yeah, I'm fat and you called me fat on a video from 2008. Guess what? I don't care. I'm not deleting your comment because it shows how much of an idiot you are. Calling me fat says nothing about the person I am, it shows that you are a bully (and that you probably have a tiny penis). 

Here is the screen cap of what someone else said about me last year. 

Screen Shot 2012-01-24 at 3.56.34 PM

oh snap

Calling someone names on the internet is weak. On the internet you're faceless and can act big when you're just a jerk with a You Tube account. You can't hurt my feelings because I don't know you and you don't know me. 

Calling me materialistic is just freaking hilarious. The video was taken from inside my 2005 basic model Chrysler Town and Country minivan. No leather, no heated seats, no working cd player because my son stuffed pennies into it (and the tape player, too, for that matter). 

You can say I'm annoying and that I'm a bitch – at least those are debatable. I would say I'm both occasionally and maybe at the same time. Anything is possible. 

To sum up, I know I'm fat. I may be an annoying bitch, but I do not have a perm or buck teeth and I am not materialistic. Also, I am in no way "typical." How dare you?

Love and rockets, 

#1 Fat Bitch on the Internet




for real.

elton hates madonna

This was my Facebook status last night: Elton John looks so pissed.

Today we have pictures from the Daily What!


Good thing Morgan Freeman cheered Sir Elton up. 

best of the globes

The Golden Globes aren't over yet, but I thought I'd go ahead say this was the best part of this year's show.


from The Daily What