Archives for October 2011

halloween randomness

Saturday we went to the school's fall festival and I realized something: every time I see a particular pta mom she is wearing wind pants. Remember wind pants? They were athletic pants in the 90s (I think). I never wore them because I know when to stay away from a fad. Unfortunately, some people don't know when to give fads up. Those things make swishy noises when you walk. You know that's wrong. Also, when you wear yoga pants or wind pants or sweat pants everyday, just admit that you've give up.

I also ate fair food. OMG, fair food.

Today is Halloween. My neighborhood goes all out for Halloween and this year is closing the main road to cars that do not have da Creek sticker on their windshield. I call my subdivision da Creek. Supposedly, golf carts will not be allowed on the streeets. When I was a kid no one took their kids trick or treating on a golf cart, but we didn't have golf carts in the ghetto, so maybe that's why. 

I'm watcing the Food Network while waiting on the DirecTV guy to come. Why to chefs want to put raisins in stuff? If I come over for dinner, don't put raisins in the rice. Or the couscous. Or anything.

Yesterday was our family picture day. We went to a place in Covington that has great areas for photos. It should have been great, except that while stepping down from the gazebo, I fell of and sprained my ankle pretty bad. I FELL OFF A GAZEBO. People, this only happens to me. There were other people there with their photographers, but I didn't see anyone else get injured because I am the only walking disaster in town. Not so much walking today, more like hobbling. 

Since I can barely walk, I'm foregoing my slutty graphic designer costume tonight.

The hubs asked if I need crutches. I don't think a person with zero balance should be given crutches. I'd probably stab myself in the eye with them.

One of my friends called to ask where they could find tacky Christmas cards today. I'm the go-to person for so many things for so many people. Need a lyric to a song? Call Kerry. Need to find some website? Call Kerry. Need to know who That Guy was in That Movie? Call Kerry.  Need to know what a certain font is called? Call Kerry. Need to know how to use your webcam? Call Kerry. Need to know what the difference is between Cajun and Creole? Call Kerry.  Need to know if Anderson Cooper is gay? Call Kerry. No, I didn't make up any of those.

I could have been a slutty web designer for Halloween. That costume is remarkably simular to my slutty graphic designer costume.

I hope some of the houses are giving out Percocet tonight.

That was a joke. Mostly.

Would you believe I forgot to get a pumpkin to carve this year? Me. I forgot. I'm way off my game this year. I may just paint my face orange and sit on my porch. 

If any of the houses in my subdivision give out pretzels or raisins, I may or may not punch the people in the face. Same goes for those chewy peanut buttery things no one likes. If you give out those chewy peanut buttery things, you're an asshole. 

30 more days of stuff

So, Quirky Tales and I have decided to another 30 day blog challenge. This one is all Top 5 stuff and it starts tomorrow. Here's a preview of the categories. It's as random as we are, it should be enjoyable.

 

Day 1: Five Things You Want Right Now 
Day 2: Five Websites You Visit Daily
Day 3: Five Places You Would Live
Day 4: Five Countries You Want to Visit
Day 5: Five Names You Wish Were Yours
Day 6: Five Favorite Books 
Day 7: Five Favorite Fictional Characters
Day 8: Five Superpowers You Would Like to Have
Day 9: Five Things You See Around You Right Now
Day 10: Five Pet Peeves
Day 11: Five Fashion Accessories You Love
Day 12: Five Trends/Styles You Abhor
Day 13: Five Favorite Makeup Items
Day 14: Five Most Annoying Celebrities
Day 15: Five Celebrities You Want to Be Your BFF
Day 16: Five Favorite Song Lyrics
Day 17: Five Music Artists/Groups You Want to See in Concert
Day 18: Five Favorite TV Shows
Day 19: Five Cartoons You Used to Watch
Day 20: Five Favorite TV Channels
Day 21: Five Movies You Quote Constantly
Day 22: Five TV/Movie Friendships
Day 23: Five TV/Movie (B)romances
Day 24: Five Things You're Thankful For
Day 25: Five Places to Shop
Day 26: Five Favorite Foods
Day 27: Five Favorite Beverages
Day 28: Five Favorite Sushi Rolls
Day 29: Five Favorite Ice Cream Flavors 
Day 30: Five Favorite Fictional Cats

That's right. Fictional Cats. Holla.

happy halloween weekend

1255219181hookerween
Have you decided whether to be a slutty nurse, a slutty pirate, a slutty witch, or a slutty slut? 

guy on a buffalo

This is my new favorite show.

 

Just so you know, this is exactly how I fake-narrarate shows to annoy my hubs when we watch tv at home. I'm not kidding. 

tuesday random post

Thought for the day: people need to settle the fuck down. This goes for a lot of people lately.

I often tell my basset hound that when she runs in the house and is all "I know there's food in here somewhere!" I'm aware the Dog Whisperer probably doesn't use this technique, but it works for me. My dog understands cursing and arm waving, so it's okay.

When I watch chefs bake on television and they measure ingredients in grams, it makes me think they are also drug dealers. Or former drug dealers.

I hate cornucopias.

When you're picking out flooring and setting up a time for the peeps to come measure your floor, try to work in Martha Stewart's prison sentence just for fun. See if anyone notices, then go back to talking about flooring. It's fun times.

Have you seen the Golden Corral commercial that shows they now have chocolate fountains? I guess when you want to eat everything you can, but still feel fancy there's Golden Corral. I don't understand why a restaurant would have a word in the name means an enclosure for farm animals. Maybe it's owned by the Dress Barn people. 

If you're not watching Mad Fashion on Bravo, do yourself a favor and watch. Six-pack Stacy and I text during the show every week and laugh. It's funnier and smarter than most scripted comedies and it's a reality show about fashion design.

I don't know what I'm going to be for Halloween. I thought about being a mom having a white Russian who makes fun of kids' cosutmes, but that's what I was last year. 

I like asking kids what they're supposed to be. It's fun. Like the interview portion of Miss America. 

I'm still not giving candy to teenage girls dressed as sluts. 

Have I told y'all about the time the hubs dressed as Fred Flintstone at work because everyone there told him that everyone in the office dressed up for Halloween. Yeah, he was the only one in costume. True story.

One of my Facebook friends' current profile picture looks like that album cover of Phil Collins where you can only see half his face and it's uncomfortably close-up. I think you should probably tell a friend if they look like Phil Collins, because come on, he's not George Clooney. Or Alec Baldwin. Or even another Baldwin. Maybe I should keep that to myself. Don't tell anyone.

 

 

 

 

here’s that Obama baby doll no one wanted

Now I know what my go-to Christmas gift is this year.


 

Beyonce, you shouldn’t have

People of the world, you have to see this. Beyonce let a fan sing at a concert. 

 

If that wasn't amazing, I don't know what is.

mid-week randomness

Mark my words: Huffington Post will run the headline "Rock You Like a Herman Cain!" within the next 6 months. 

Herman's brother's name is Thurman. Really. I can't make this stuff up. 

I read about a study today that linked exercise to early menopause. I speak for no one but myself when I say: NOPE. A couple of weeks ago I read that women who drink several cups of coffee per day are less likely to become depressed. Double NOPE.

The carhop from Sonic who brought me a drink last week was named Amgerica. Like America with a G 'cause she's gangsta.

The oldest child has to write down how many watts are in each room for homework. 4th grade is going to kill me. We have approximately 420 light bulbs in our house. This may take all night. What if I had the child write on her homework that we're Amish and only use candlelight?

I went to the dermatologist today. I didn't sleep past 3am this morning because I was worried about skin cancer. My doctor only took one mole off. WITH A RAZOR BLADE. It was like ghetto dermatology, but in the nicest facility ever. Oh, and my paper dress only covered half my body. I think it's time I took up a cause and it's going to be true one-size-fits-all paper dresses. This may win me the Nobel Peace Prize because it will lead to women not getting mad when their paper dress doesn't fit in their doctor's office.

I hate the phrase "wheelhouse."

There is a new GOP debate tonight. At this rate, there will be one debate for each Republican in America before the nominee is locked in. I hear that the next debate will be held next Tuesday morning at George's Grill in Shreveport and my Aunt Charlene will moderate. Try the grilled cheese. Another debate will be held on the Saturday before Mardi Gras on Anderson Cooper's Endymion parade float. Whoever catches the most beads will be declared the winner. 

I could go for some nachos.

 

new look, same nutjob writing

I've been wanting to change the look of the blog since I found the newspaper damask you see in the side panels now, so here it is. I went with a new, yet familiar look because I don't want to scare longtime readers off. I think it suits me and this here blog. Now I just have to figure out how to change the sidebar thingies because now they don't match. Ugh.

stay in school, kids

 
Last night I had to use my Phone-a-Friend Lifeline for the 4th grader's homework. This was the problem:

IMG_1848
It's a little blurry (and I'm not wearing my glasses), so here it is in the lovely Georgia font: Keith wrote the expression 10d to represent the number of dimes in d dollars. Is Keith's expression correct? Explain.

No idea. And I don't even know Keith. With that many dimes he's probably a drug dealer.

And why are they doing algebra in 4th grade? I called the hubs (math genius) for the answer. He knows I have a block and the only math I can do is figuring out what the sale price of dress is if it's 30% off. Answer: a little more than 25%. 

I've written about my lack of math skills before, but I thought I would go into it a little bit. In third grade I pretty much stopped paying attention when multiplication was introduced. I blame reading A Wrinkle in Time. I was far more interested in that book that learning multiplication. I was lost in math. No amount of flashcards could help. It was like a foreign language. Plus, I now know that I I had ADD, but girls didn't cause problems in class, so whatever. I was constantly told to stop daydreaming and pay attention. This went on throughout my career as a student. Have I ever mentioned that I was on the honor roll once in my life? Once. I was not what you would call a "good student." I was bright, but math-challenged. And attention-challenged. I remember sitting in Chemistry in 11th grade and realizing there would be math involved and I think I had an out of body experience. I also caught my hair on fire over a bunsen burner that year, then I had bangs. It was not my year for a plethora of reasons. 

Anyway, the child is bringing home math that is beyond me. I honestly don't know how I graduated from high school with my math skills (it was because I had patient friends who helped me). College was another story. I didn't graduate. I took remedial algebra twice. TWICE. That's how remedial I was. Oh, and I had to have tutoring to pass. At the time I was tutoring football players in English and getting math tutoring myself. I was convinced that English Ed majors had no reason to take Algebra. We wouldn't be teaching math, so we only needed a "how to average grades" class. If you knew me in college, you probably heard me say this once or 42 times. Sadly, the Education department didn't agree with me. 

Remind me to tell y'all about when I took African American Literature sometime. 

I really wanted to tell the child to write "Keith is obviously a drug dealer and needs a better way to keep track of profits."