Archives for September 2011

the honey badger for pistachios

My spirit animal is now in a pistachios commercial. Yes!


bad lip reading

I don't know about you, but I could really get behind some of the things he's not saying.

Ice cream.


I’ve got a plan, I’ve got an atlas in my hands

I fell in love with the song "Atlas Hands" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich and thought I'd share. 


"I will remember your face
'Cause I am still in love with that place
But when the stars are the only things we share
Will you be there?"

lazy genius

I don't know why I haven't thought of this before, but whatev. I was putting on makeup in my bathroom this morning and realized my new mascara was on the kitchen island (not yet opened). When I went to retrive it, I saw my open laptop on the table and heard the email notification sound, so I sat down at the laptop, read email, and put on mascara with the aid of the handy dandy Photobooth on my Macbook Pro. This is how the modern vain woman multitasks, people.

Photo on 9-23-11 at 11.01 AM #3

And yes, that is my favorite lipstain. 

ambien sponsored randomness*

* Not actually sponsored by Ambien because the Ambien people don't know who the hell I am.


I'm in a mood. I just am. I need cheering up. Like Alec Baldwin taking me to Ina Garten's house for dinner cheering up. You know, just an average Tusday.

OH MAH GAWD. The Dolphin Tale trailer is on again. It makes me want to jam burning hot fireplace pokers in my ears. 

I've taken to trying to make sense of the word Ambien. "Am Bien": am well. Bien can mean "good" or "well" so those are nice things for a sleeping pill to make you feel. 

My oldest child came home form the school book fair with a poster of a prairie dog (maybe, I'm not that great with naming memebers of the rodent family) and squirrel holding lightsabers in space, with the words "Paw Wars" above.. This made me laugh hysterically, like I do when I'm laughing so hard that no sound comes out and I start to wheeze. 

I laughed a few times like that at IHOP after ScrapFest! Stacy said (speaking of nothing) "I don't watch Dance Moms!" and we all lost it. You really had to be there, but it was good. Also, I brought up the fact that Meg didn't know who Betty Ford was at Celebrity Death Watch Weekend II, and everyone laughed. Then some drunk people came in, one girl had a boob hanging out and we think she wet the floor. After I left, a group of people dressed as Rainbow Brite, Cyndi Lauper, and Pee Wee Herman (with the bike) came in. Marleana too her picture with them. If she doesn't make that her Christmas card I will be mad at her.

I may turn a photo of my in my tutu into our Christmas tree topper. Stay tuned.

random wednesday in pajamas

ScrapFest! is over. That means I'm spending the week in pajamas watching Anderson Cooper and pondering which shoes to wear to an upcoming wedding. 

I saw a photo online of Salvador Dali and his pet ocelot and knew it was an ocelot and not some other wild cat. How do I know an ocelot on sight? I have too many trival things in my brain. This is why I cannot add or do any real math. 

I hate purple.

Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars must make Cher so happy. I cannot bring myself to watch that show, but FOR REAL — Chaz Bono and Nancy Grace — stars? In what solar system?

REM broke up. I am incredibly sad. I don't care that they had a 30 year run — REM was my teenagehood and my 20s. Plus, they wrote my themesong, "Redhead Walking." They're more than a band to me. Sometimes a band is there for you when you feel as if you have no one else. That's REM for me. 

I've decided to take the books off my nightstand. There, I said it. AND I know I wasn't fooling anyone — I was never going to read David Copperfield. How did that end up in my house?

Today I accidentally dialed my home phone number while at home. I was so confused when the voicemail greeting started.

My middle child bought the book Dolphin Tale at the school book fair. When I was making dinner, I heard the trailer for the movie. Those dolphin noises make me nuts. It creeps me out. I don't trust dolphins. 

I also do not trust oranges.

The middle child also bought a 3D book that came with glasses. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I thought that was the dumbest thing ever and that I could take a regular book and just run toward her with it and get the same effect.

I'm about to start Weight Watchers again. WW is the only thing that's ever worked for me and believe me when I say I've done everything at least half-heartedly. Once I took cinnamon capsules because I read that cinnamon was good for weight loss. I tried to be bulemic for a day. I couldn't do it, it grossed me out. I tried to be anorexic for about 30 minutes once, but COOKIES.



random monday nightness

Did I tell y'all that next month I will be going to a new dermatologist? Did I mention that she happens to share the name of a superfamous lifestyle icon. I'm making a list of obnoxious things to say, such as "I think it's awesome that you took up Dermatology in prison. I would think they would frown upon that, with the scalpels and all."

Yes, I did make my decision on which dermatologist to see based on her name. Okay, her name and a friend's recommendation. 

Am I the only one who spells "recommendation" with two Cs every single time? 

Milk Duds are one of my weaknesses. I don't know why.

I gave up on watching a movie with subtitles earlier because I couldn't make out the words and didn't feel like getting my glasses. 

This morning I tried to play "negro" on Words With Friends and it said it wasn't a word. I know it isn't an acceptable term and one most often used in the context of the past, but it's still a word. Where's my THAT'S RACIST gif when I need it? 

ScrapFest! is in a few days, so I will probably be MIA until next week. Try to keep it together. I'll be back soon.

what happens when I’m in the office too long

When I’m in the scrap office too long no surface is safe from embellishment. This morning I used fun rub-ons to spruce up one of the mice.

what happens when I'm in the office too long

my thoughts exactly

I saw this video on Best Week Ever and thought it was worth sharing. Benari Lee (G.I. Jew) is a soldier currently serving in Afghanistan who made this video, sharing his thoughts on the subject with humor. 


Educational and entertaining. 

P.S. bonus points for mentioning Spies Like Us.

search terms

Every so often I like to expose the contents of my blog stats and give you the recent search terms people have used, landing on this here blog. I will present these terms without comment (it's funnier that way).

  • pin up girl yawn
  • I thought it looked farty
  • is auburn a shade of orange?
  • turbo bitch
  • gays in hotpants
  • cursing nicknames
  • jedi hood
  • virtual boobs
  • barbies!
  • Chaka Khan family pictures
  • hair too long
  • big ass chain
  • Christmas zebras
  • what do vampires smell like?
  • dynasty hair
  • brick body type
  • baby girl adult urinal
  • lake slapaho
  • gay leather men
  • part ass Albanian sayings
  • little black boy that's racist
  • self diagnosis for hypochondriosis