my depression hiatus

I haven't been able to blog lately. It's not that I didn't want to. I want to talk about something no one talks about, because there is still a stigma about it, and that's depression. 

This isn't going to be a "woe is me" post, don't worry. And if you feel like skipping this one, go ahead, it's okay. 

I've struggled with depression for most of my life. It's not something you'd notice if you were to meet me or if you know me. Unless you're a very close friend, chances are you don't know this about me. Most depressed people, save for the ones in hospitals or acting in commercials, don't look or seem depressed. We don't lie in bed all day and think about ways to kill ourselves. We have lives and families and jobs and blogs. We put smiles on in public and hold it together for the most part. I'm fun and vibrant and fabulous. Sometimes I feel like it's a mask that I wear, but that's the thing about depression — I have to face the world at some point and I can't look like the before woman in those ads. 

"Oh, Cheer Up!" Well, thank you, well-meaning friend, but I can't. It's not as simple as snapping out of it or I would. I know that you care, but it's not that I'm just in a bad mood or bummed about something. It's nothing and at the same time it's everything. Some days are better than others. Lately, I've had more of the latter. It's okay. I'm used to it, but it's still hard. And it's difficult to explain to people who haven't dealt with depression before. Most people have had periods of being down or upset for a while, but it usually passes. People generally don't understand that it never completely goes away for me. Most people don't want to hear about it either. And I understand that. For crying out loud, there are uprisings going on in Libya right now and we're in a financial crisis and I'm depressed about WHAT EXACTLY? Exactly.

As much as I hate to say it, depression is a very real mental illness. It's just as real as my hypothyroidism or high blood pressure. I take medication for it, as I do for my other chronic illnesses. I also have anxiety. Depression and anxiety are like the mental illness one-two punch of my life. They're like a good cop/bad cop, only they're both bad cops. Like if Gary Busey and Nick Nolte were both bad cops in a buddy cop movie. Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Damme. Jackie Chan and AHNOLD. You get the picture. Ha! Movie = picture. The depressed girl can still write a bad pun!

So, that's that. I'm glad we had this talk. I think we all learned something. And by "something," I think we both know that the something is that I've given Hollywood bad buddy cop movie ideas. I'll be back with something completely different soon.

Love,

Kerry

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