live-blogging the season 9 Project Runway premier

It's that time of year — Project Runway season premier time. Let's hope this season erases the sadness that was Gretchen beating Mondo in season 8. Let's have a collective sigh, shall we? SIGH. That feels better. I've missed Michael "she looks like a paper brioche" Kors, Nina "it's just not flattering" Garcia, Heidi "you took us backward and not in a good way" Klum, and Tim "it's looking very happy hands at home granny circle" Gunn. 

What do we know about the designers? We have a guy named Gunnar Deatherage. I'm changing my name to "Killa Madguns." We have a guy with one testicle and who also happens to be colorblind. Yeah. We have a former Miss Universe chick (who is rumored to have a sex tape) who makes rompers. We have a chick who said she liked the "dirty carnival look." We have an older male designer who once worked for Halston (gasp). We have a Mormon who said he wants to find the right girl and settle down — not something you hear much on PR. We have a fun chick named Becky who grew up in what she described as a cult. This season they're starting with 20 designers. That's a lot. There is no way I'll pick up all their names tonight, so as usual (much like in real life), I will give them nicknames. It should be fun. 

8:00 — We have Heidi! Oh man, first they're going to get rid of 4 of them. That's just mean to bring them to New York just to send them home. 

8:02 — I like Kimberly, who makes things with ruffles. 

8:03 — Heidi is trying on a cape. She thinks she's super Heidi. It's always about Heidi.

8:04 — Miss Trinidad learned how to sew 4 months ago. Tim said it's masterful sewing and that she's handicapped. Chick has weird hair. I don't love her. 

8:05 — Heidi said "I love the boob window" about a jacket Blond Asian made.

8:06 — Mormon Josh is a former banker. Wow.

8:06 — Do not like Barbie.

8:08 — Fillene made a dress of feathers. Oh dear.

8:08 — I don't think Mousy Danielle will make the cut.

8:09 — I'm calling the last guy George Michael. He is clearly channeling him.

8:10 — Southern Prince said he and Nina were clearly talking sex with their eyes. Interesting.

8:11 — Pappaw Halston would make a great contestant. I don't know if Heidi likes him.

8:12 — One Ball is the colorblind boy who lost one testicle to cancer. He says he "rocks one now." 

8:14 — Commercial. Who do we think is out? I'm going with Mousy Danielle for sure. Not sure about who else because there are so many. 

8:19 — Lawd. the Lifetime commercials are BAD.

8:20 — Shut up. Mousy Danielle is in. I give up. I can't call crap.

8:21 — David, who I didn't bother to nickname is out. Not a good sign when I don't nickname you. Oh no! Gunnar Deatherage is out! Mormon Josh is in. Pappaw Halston is in! You go, Pappaw! 

8:25 — the remaining designers are moving into the Atlas apartment. Love it. Mormon Josh said he will never be the same. I hope he comes out on this show. Barbie said that people call her Barbie. How did I guess that? I'm so clairvoyant.

8:26 — Tim is waking the designers up in the middle of the night. They have to bring one sheet from their bed to Parson's. They are in their pjs — JUST LIKE ME!

8:29 — they have to make an outfit out of the sheet and what they're wearing. Fillene is using the "puking clown" from her pjs on her outfit. Barbie was of course wearing satin and lace. And they're working.

8:31 — Miss Trinidad said she's teaching herself as she's going along. That isn't good. I don't know about this one.

8:33 — this commercial for the show with the sexy detective is gross. It's about her family and daddy issuses and all, but then they show her half nekkid in bed with men, saying "it was just sex." Then she's saying "you know much I wanna be a detective!" to her dad. Pretty girl has so many problems. It's hard to be pretty and sexy and a detective all at the same time. Just ask Cagney and Lacey.

8:38 — all the designers are wearing scrubs. It's weird. So not fashion. 

8:39 — Miss Trinidad is making pants, says she's never made a pair of pants. Oh boy. On Ball is making something with feathers. Fillene made a dress with the sheet and her yoga pants. Love that. Mormon Josh is making something with a hoodie. Pappaw Halston made a dress with his boxers and the sheet. He's my kind of guy. Rafael has a head wrap on. I want to bring back turbans. I've asked this before, but how old do I have to be to wear a turban. Tim Gunn said (Southern Prince)Rafael's most interesting piece was his head wrap, but Raffy doesn't want to use it b/c his hair is a hot mess. Oh, Raffy, it's like we were seperated at birth. 

8:43 — in a L'Oreal commercial, Andie McDowell just said "smooth is the new young." I say plump is the new thin.

8:45 — no, I don't know why I feel the need to blog the commercials. I have a problem.

8:46 — btw, they need to stop showing trailers for The Help, b/c I have the book on my iPad and I'm saving it to read on the beach.

8:48 — Raffy asked his model what her sign was. I can see why that would be the first question he'd ask. OMG. Barbie just asked Blond Asian if he was "speaking foreign." THAT'S RACIST!

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8:51 — they're going to the runway, people. 

8:54 — apparently this show is on until 9:30. You'd think a real blogger would have figured that out before now. I SO hope Michael Kors calls something "insane in the crotch" or something equally nuts. 

8:59 — Christina Ricci is a guest judge. I guess because she's so fashionable.

9:00 — George Michael's outfit is meh. Mousy Danielle made shorts and someone said they want to steal her model. Viktor with a K made a black and white dress. REally love Becky's dress. Bryce made a dress that looks like Renaissance Faire goes a-go-go. Julie's outfit is horrid. Blond Asian made a black and gray suit. Blah. One Ball said he's thinking "no ass cheek, no ass cheek" as his model walked. I think that often. Except for the barfing clown, I love Fillene's dress. I'm spelling her name like that b/c of Bambi's girlfriend, Fillene. Yes, the deer. Moron Josh's outfit is meh. The shorts look like they have fit issues. 

9:06 — So, people are in and out. I'm not sure who is in the top, but I can't wait for the judging. 

9:08 — You couldn't pay me to eat Activia. 

9:09 — Sweet mother of TMI, it's a Benefiber commercial! Do all the women on Lifetime have consitpation? What the hell?

9:11 — My, the Duchess Kors is orange tonight. They like One Ball's outfit. Raffy's top look like it has mermaid scales. Kors said it looks like a Flintstone Disco Pouch.  Julie says she was referencing a snowpant. B/c that's fashion? NO. The judges do not like. Terrible. She needs to go home. Miss Trinidad made two pieces that really don't go together, but no one is saying it. They love the butt on the pants! I mean love. Pappaw Halston's dress is supercute. I would wear that if I were a size 2. Which, if you haven't met me in real life, that's exactly what I am. The judges love the dress, but hate the styling. That's fair. Mormon Josh admits that the shorts have fit issues. OOOO – Heidi said she doesn't know if his or Raffy's is worse. Not good, Mormon Josh. He may be going home. Nina is not pleased. Raffy is SO Southern Prince.

9:18 — ugh — they just showed Raffy's outfit again. It's so bad. Bad-bad, not good-bad. So, it's either Raffy, Mormon Josh, or Julie going home. I'm calling Pappaw Halston for the win. Or One Ball, whose name is really Anthony and is from Baton Rouge. 

9:27 — I'm so good. Pappaw Halston won. Oh dear, he said he thought he was going to have a stroke on the runway. Don't scare us, pappaw.

9:28 — of course Miss Trinidad and One Ball Anthony are in. Julie is in. Mormon Josh is in. He tells the judges they won't regret it. That means Heidi will say auf weidersen to Raffy. It's okay, Raffy has a line in Atlanta stores. Tim is coming in for hugs. The rest of the gang say goodbye. 

9:31 — PREVIEWS! They showed Tim running on a track. Lots of cyring. Lots of arguing between Pappaw Halston and One Ball Anthony. This is going to be good, y'all.

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