Archives for June 2011

random funk post

I've been in a funk all week. UGH.

One of the Magee children told my oldest child that there is a real movie based on Veggie Tales "Lord of the Beans." Wonder what that movie could be.

I ordered a bra online the other day and UPS says it was delivered yesterday, only IT WASN'T. When I called the company, they said they would launch an investigation. An investigation. I'm launching my own investigation, I just hope it doesn't turn out that my UPS man is a cross dresser and is wearing my bra.

Yesterday I had to buy new landline phones for the house. Now I'll have to enter all the numbers that were saved on the old phones. Maybe I'll just wait for peeps to call me and then hit "save." 

My scrapbooky friends and I will be spending next weekend (my birthday weekend) in a cabin at one of the state parks of the Mosquito State. This would be the state park that has signs warning of alligators. Lucky me.

Update on the bra investigation! Ok, UPS.com said that my bra was delivered yesterday at 3:01 pm, but it wasn't. Fast forward to today at 3:01 — doorbell rings, it's the UPS man. WEIRD. Was UPS.com having ESP about my bra delivery and just got the date wrong? It would suck to be clairvoyant and only get half of things right. 

At the grocery store today, there were two guys in the deli section talking about Sexy Sax Guy. Have you ever wanted to jump in on a conversation and say, "I can tell this story better than you…"

Duran Duran was on in the store when I overheard their conversation, then Joni Mitchell. You can't follow up "Rio" with Joni Mitchell. That's just wrong. After Joni Mitchell it was Johnny Cash. My grocery store smokes crack.

Also, at the grocery store, the deli woman would not sell me dark meat only fried chicken and looked at me like I was asking for something crazy. It's not like I was asking for fried ostrich (though I bet that would be tasty). My children only like dark meat chicken and I wasn't eating it, so I thought I'd ask for all dark. It was not to be. 

Also, my grocery store no longer carries risotto rice (aborio) in the big container I like. Now it's only in a small bag-type-thingie, which isn't what I like. Was I the only one buying it? Target isn't carrying my mocha coffee for the Keurig anymore. Not happy. 

Do you know of the Michael's Arts and Crafts? When I go there it's just like Cheers. The problem is that I want to go somewhere nobody knows my name.

So, I went to the nail salon yesterday. This is not news. I go there every two weeks. The news is that my nail tech told me her entire life story, including a story about a woman she grew up with in Vietnam, who, as an adult, had a DIY Caesarean section and died. It was just the light conversation I like when I visit the nail salon. "Hi, how are you? Do you like your nails squoval? Would you like to hear the most horrible death story on earth?"

 

men’s fashion week

As I'm sure all of you know, last week was men's fashion week and top designers put fancy duds on male models and they all did their best Zoolander for the catwalk. 

Let's take a look at my top three picks for what to wear this fall.

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I love it. This could be THE look of the season for all the gay beach weddings. So chic.

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I love it. This is for all the men who have wondered what to pair with black leather hot pants for a dressy occasion. 

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I love it. Here we have Joaquin Phoenix in the latest in Mafioso wear. Please note: the fishnets are runway-only. If you wore those on the street it would make the outfit look ridiculous. On a side note, I think my Christmas shopping for the men on my list is o-vah.

doggleganger

So, there is a site that takes your photo and finds your doggleganger (in case you've ever wondered what your dog lookalike is). Because I'm bored, I uploaded my pic.

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I'm a Mastiff Cross. I always thought I was more of a Cocker Spaniel, but ok. Just for fun, I uploaded the hubs' pic that comes up when he calls my iPhone.

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He's some breed I've never heard of. They practically have the same smile. Spooky. 

She might kill me for this, but here's my friend Melissa.

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I think it was matching the bow to the dog's ears. I'm not sure. Melissa is much prettier than that bitch.

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Alec Baldwin, how did you get uploaded from my computer? Don't know how that could have happened. Alec and this dog have the same steely gaze and liberal views. I can tell.

This may be my oddest post yet. I think the heat is getting to me.

almost out of friday randomness

I dreamed last night that we moved to a place in the mountains and there were owls everywhere. One owl tried to attack me. It was scary. The owl was reddish-brown and had those feathers that sprout from they spooky eye area. The dream woke me up. Seriously.

Also dreamed I went out in public in my slippers.

I was watching Rachael Ray today and woman put shredded carrots in a sloppy joe. What the hell? I haven't had a sloppy joe since, like, 1987, but ew — carrots? I suppose I should also tell y'all that I only like carrots raw or candied, the way my great-grandmother made them. I love vegetables, but I'm weird about carrots. 

The oldest child asked me never to make whole wheat pasta again and made a face like she was going to die.

Among the many things I've done this week, I've given a friend tattoo advice. No, I do not have a tattoo myself, but that doesn't matter.

Rachael Ray also said that EVOO gives you a healthy coat — is she cooking for dogs now? Sorry I keep writing about Rachael Ray, but the woman confounds me.

Mommie Dearest is on right now — the hubs won't let me watch it. He's never even seen it! Like I've always said, one can learn a lot from Mommie Dearest — even men. The board room scene is great for learning on how to make a business meeting go in your favor. 

I'm pretty sure I have a sinus/ear infection. I had this last month too. When you have a sinus infection in sort of feels like a hangover, but without the pesky calories of alcohol. 

Now I'm hopped up on Sudafed, which feels even weirder.

Can my sinuses make my neck hurt? Just wondering.

My nails are too long to type well. They're slowing down my usual super-fast typing skills (which are second only to my super-quick wit).

I may live blog Julius Caesar tomorrow night from Tulane. Who knows. I'm bringing the iPad. 

 

every day of my life

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royal ascot crazy-ass hat roundup

One of my favorite times of the year, the Royal Ascot, was last week in England. Why is this one of my favorites? Crazy Ass Hats. I've been doing a roundup for the past couple of years and I think we may have the best crop of crazy yet.

14
Bet that took all year to grow.

 

31

Rapunzel never looked so good.

 

RAP2+2 

Somehow I don't think she's a jockey.

 

RAP2+11

Black swan.

 

RAP2+12

I prefer the pink flamingo.

 

7

This guy is the life of the party.

 

RAP2+8

it's all about pie and coffee (or tea).

 

RAP2+19

Damn. That's not even an iPad 2.

happy father’s day

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thoughts on softball

My little girls just finished their second year of rec softball. I could not be happier that it's over (for lots of reasons) and I may be a hermit for the rest of the summer. I'm not kidding about being a hermit. Anyway, I thought I'd share my thoughts on the softball season, from my perspective — a woman who could not care less about sports and who doesn't like people in general and who counts the sun as her number one enemy.

Here's the thing about softball: it's not baseball. The rules are different. The infield is dirt. It's weird. Now, I enjoyed going to see the Braves in Atlanta because it was fun and some of the players were cute. Plus, Turner Field had great ballpark food. Not so much at the little girl level. 

We started practicing in March. It wasn't super hot. I would stay during practice. Some parents would drop their daughters off, but not me because I've seen too many episodes of Dateline and I'm paranoid. And the younger daughter has a case of the "didya see me"s. 

And they have snow cones.

Prior to the start of the season I liked the name Blaine ("Blaine? His name is Blaine? That's a major appliance, not a name?" — name that movie). I can no longer say I like that name. One of the siblings on one of the teams was named Blaine. His mother said, "no, Blaine," "stop it, Blaine," "I said stop it, Blaine," "come here, Blaine," etc for the entire length of practices and games. This was the same child who wore cowboy boots to the games and walked up and down the metal bleachers because people like to annoy the hell out of me. "Oh, he's just a kid, Kerry," the hubs said. I don't care. And cowboy boots should be outlawed on bleachers.

It was Africa hot at the ballpark. I am very fair-skinned and do not like to sweat, so this was a problem. I had to shower twice a day, which I don't like because my hair does best when air-dried and it didn't have time to dry before bed. Then I'd wake up with crazy hair. Crazy = wavy on one side, super curly on the other. My makeup would melt off at the ballpark. Not good. Yes, I have to wear makeup to the ballpark, I'm that vain.

There were many characters at the ballpark. I call them characters because I'm still not sure they exist in real life outside the ballpark. I nicknamed them for your convenience. 

  • Inappropriate Mom twice wore sarongs with a bikini top on underneath. She wore Keds with two different colored socks with one sarong. Neither color was in the sarong. Last week she wore a tube top tied above the waist and sequined shoes. She was a walking "don't" from a magazine. 
  • Overenthusiastic Uncle was not a coach, but thought he was. He stayed in the dugout during games and yelled "way to go!' and "great hit" and "you gotta get those" to our catcher. He was her uncle. He needed to lay off the Powerade.
  • Older Parents were about 15 years older than the rest of us. They were constantly talking about achievements of their kids and their kids would come sit with them on the stands when they weren't on the field or up to bat. It was odd. 
  • Nude Pantyhose was one of the Older Parents. I didn't realize people still wore panty hose. She wore nude pantyhose with her polyester '80s suits she wore to the ballpark. I can only imagine how hot those suits were in the 97 degree heat. 
  • Overstimulated was a mom who only came to a few games. When she came, she would come with her 4 year-old twins and would leave if they got "overstimulated". Her word, not mine, especially during the Weiner scandal.
  • Gold Chain was one of the coaches on another team. 
  • Wikkiwikkiwikki was a dad who was easily 7 feet tall, brought his own chair, iPod dock, and fan to each game. When he worked the scoreboard he looked like a DJ because he kept his earbuds in at all times, thus the nickname. He seemed to be stoned each time I spoke with him.

There were other characters too, but the ones I mentioned were the most entertaining. I'm beyond thrilled that the season is finished and the girls have their trophies and I that I am in air conditioning tonight, but I am missing the snow cone stand. 

my drunk kitchen: ice cream

I love the My Drunk Kitchen web series because it reminds me of myself, only less drunk. In this episode, Hannah "makes" ice cream. 

 

random ruby tuesday

No reason it's Random Ruby Tuesday other than I like that song and I like rubies because it's my birthstone and I have a few of them. By the way, my birthday is less than a month away, so get your shopping done. Rubies are always the right color.

Bastille Day is one month from today. I know that for no reason.

Today I tried to spell "gem" on Words with Friends with a J like "Jem and the Holograms." Never said I was a spelling bee champ.

Meg and I went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast last week and a server hit her in the head with a tray. I proceeded to laugh uncontrollably because I'm a good friend like that. 

I did not have a vanilla Coke from Sonic today. Things just weren't the same.

Last week at church was Vacation Bible School. I did not volunteer this year. I had an odd experience almost every afternoon when picking up the kids in that people said "hi Kerry!" and I had no idea who they were. Now, I don't mean I couldn't remember their names — I flat out did not know who they were. I have been a member of this church for six years, in several Bible studies, member of MOPS steering team, had kids in the Mother's Day Out program — so it's strange that so many people said hi to me that I did not know. This is nothing compared to the anxiety I had when walking into church to get the kids because there are 1000 kids in our VBS. That is not an exaggeration. I promise.

On another note, the most fun game ever to play is "dodge the cars driving aimlessly through the church parking lot." 

For some reason I agreed to be a Nielson TV household for a week next month. They said my results will be used to determine broadcasting. Hope y'all like Pawn Stars and Absolutely Fabulous reruns. Really, I read that they're going to make a few new episodes of AbFab next year and I can't wait. How can you not love a show in which a character says about being sober, "worst 8 hours of my life"?

I say that and I'm not a big drinker, despite what graphics may appear on this blog and on CNN. 

I wear waterproof mascara because I tend to have allergy-watery eyes. Anyway, I use this waterproof mascara remover and it doesn't list the ingredients, but I'm pretty sure it's Crisco, because this is the greasiest stuff on Earth and I can't see after I use it and I tripped over a pair of shoes by my closet after leaving my bathroom. 

Can I write a run-on sentence or what? You'd never believe I was an English Ed major. You'd probably believe that I dropped out of college after 3 and a half years. I did. It was a good decision, made a lot of people proud. Made myself happy. 

You know what the impressive thing I learned from my college advisor was? That "awkward" is the most satisfying word to type or spell out loud. Shout out to Fran! I may have told you this before, but at the award ceremony (or whatever it was) for my major, I won tennis lessons with Fran. I didn't cash that prize in.

I learned how to make an em dash on my Mac (—). You'd probably just call that a dash, but no, it's an em dash. In case you're wondering, it's called the "em dash" because the character is the same width as an M. It's a unit of measure in the world of typography. Of course I would know that. 

Recently I read an essay condemning the use of em dashes. It pissed me off (as things tend to do). The author said using it leads to less efficient writing. I've never met a writer who questioned if their work was efficient. Good, relevant, smart — yes. Besides, if the punctuation was good enough for Billy Shakespeare and Em-dash Dickinson, it's good enough for me. 

I do not want to go to the ballpark tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or any other night this week.

Confession: I watch the Food Network when nothing else is on, thus I watch it a lot. I don't really like Rachael Ray very much because I find her a little annoying in the way that she giggles to herself — but I love watching her gather all of the ingredients and things she's going to use at the beginning of the show because I'm waiting for her to drop something. She piles up things like crazy and carries 20 things at once. She is bound to drop something on one episode. This is the same reason I watch ice skating. I like the falls. Yes, I am a horrible person.