Archives for September 2009

in which I call fowl on “roostergate ’09”

So, a good friend of mine who shall remain nameless because there is a good chance once this gets out she'll be spending the rest of her life haunted by PETA, sends me this email after being kept awake very early in the morning by a neighbor's rooster:

You know I'm not getting enough sleep if I am googling "How can
you kill a rooster".  But guess what?  I'm not the only one with this
problem; there's a link called "How to kill your neighbor's rooster"
(score!) 
Here's the solution I like, and don't think I won't be calling
feed stores today looking for coyote urine.  (One day, one of you will
either: have to bail me out of jail or testify on my behalf or both!)
This is insane!
 
 
HydroHarold
04-01-2006, 01:24 AM

First you need an A#1 long range water pistol.
Second, some coyote pee (available at better sporting goods stores everywhere).
Third,
load the water pistol (with coyote pee) and shoot the area between you
and your "neighbor". Really give the area a hearty treatment.
Chanticlere's genetic memory will drive him to the farthest distance he
can get from that powful pee pheremone plus make him a neurotic wreck.

If this fails give him the "HydroHarold Silent Treatment",
a Wham-O Wrist Rocket slingshot propelled 1/4" steel ball bearing (also
available at better sporting goods stores everywhere)… Cruel and so
anti-PETA-istic but achieving effective permanance non the less.

No doubt I will be bailing her out of jail soon.  This afternoon, I get the following email from her:

So I called some local feed stores today, and guess what? Nobody
laughed or hung up on me! The first store is out of coyote urine (must
be a run on it these days).  Second store has both coyote and wolf
urine-this could get intereting. 

I feel a covert operation coming on….stay tuned!

No doubt there is a run on coyote urine these days with all the roosters in suburban unincorporated areas of town.  One never knows when one may need coyote urine, so I've always suggested keeping some on hand in case of emergency. 

Now, as you may know, I've never been one to turn down a covert operation, so I replied to my friend, telling her we need code names as well as face paint, perhaps really cute outifts, and walkie-talkies for this operation. 

Stay tuned indeed.

Honest Answers

Here's some lazy blogging for you.  Did this earlier on Facebook and republishing on the old blog.

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY.


To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on
your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note,
delete my answers, and type yours. Easy peasy!

Next, tag 10 people (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :)


Kerry's note: I don't see why anyone would lie about any of these, since they're quite tame.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
an ice cube — hey, you asked.

2. Where was your profile picture taken?
my kitchen table

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
never even tried. I'm a wiz at Cowbell Hero.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today.
I have tried not to laugh today, because it has led to coughing fits, but Christi's Karen Walker post made me laugh pretty hard.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why?
virtually all night, from coughing

6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
I don't think so, I like my town a lot.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
why yes, I have — just like in the movies.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Megan

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
not any of the exes I've had — can I get an amen?

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I feel that he is Michelle's best friend, and an enabler

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Sunday, talking to a friend, because I was sick and over-emotional

12. Who took your profile picture?
the tiny people who live in my computer

13. Who was the last individual you took a picture of?
Andrew

14. Was yesterday better than today?
Both were pretty damn miserable. I can't breathe.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
sho nuff

16. Are you upset about anything?
yes, mainly the fact that my lungs don't work properly. and because the Directv box in my bedroom isn't a DVR box.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
yes, they're the only thing worth anything.
well, that and a great handbag. or a pair of fab mary janes. and chocolate.

18. Are you a bad influence?
I am a very bad shopping influence, that's probably about it.

19. Night out or night in?
I'm a homebody, so it's a night it.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
coffee, computer, slippers (very important), lipstick, music

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
probably Scott when he was in his car accident in Texas a few years ago

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"should I get it if I don't have the wallet to match?" from Megan while shopping for a purse (I was at the doctor's office)

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
pretty content

24. Do you hate anyone?
nah, life is too short for that. loathe, yes.

25. If we were to look in your face book in box, what would we find?
hilarity between a few friends and I about some links I've sent and a couple of personal notes.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
I don't know — is it for steroids, 'cause I was shot full of those today. awesome.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
yes, but clearly they were misinformed and proven wrong shorty thereafter.

28. What song is stuck in your head?
ha. This is so stupid, I should keep it to myself. It's "Peter Cushing
Lives in Whitstable" and goes like this "Peter Cushing lives in
Whitstable, I have seen him on his bicycle, I have seen him buying
vegetables, Peter Cushing lives in Whitstable."
see? Total geek. Cushing was in Star Wars for you non-geeks.

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
someone who has no watch, nor sense of time and a high tolerance for
pain, because I would hit them over the head with a lamp or something.

30. Do you want to have grand kids before you’re 50?
since this is the honesty quiz thingie, I should tell y'all I just
tried to do the math and gave up. I don't care, I just want the
chillens to be happy. I'll get a puppy.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
the only thing I HAVE to do is help Molly Kakaleen with her book
report, which will be fascinating. oh, and I have to make mouse ears
for the girls character dress-up day on Thursday because I could not
find mouse ears for purchase in town. "mouse ears for purchase" may be
something to google for fun later if I need amusement.

32. Do you think too much or too little?
like y'all don't know the answer to that one. have you met me?

33. Do you smile a lot?
I think so. smiling is good. here's a probably little-known Kerry fact:
the corners of my mouth point down, so I naturally look like I'm being
serious or upset or both. it's a gift.


what I do when I’m sick

I'm sick.  I wouldn't be surprised if you already knew that because I've told everyone.  I haven't shouted it from the rooftops, because my throat hurts too much.  So, I thought I'd tell you what I do when I'm sick.

1. Watch movies.  I've watched 3 or 4 movies today, 2 documentaries from my bed.  Not my deathbed, just my bed.

2. Chatted with friends on Facebook.  This is something I do everyday, but today my throat hurts too much to talk, so it's Facebook, smoke signals, or gang signs.  Oh, and texts and emails, because I don't know Morse code.

3. Played way too much Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook.

4. Scratched off a scratch-off lottery ticket.  Megan came by my mailbox and put in one of those chain letter things where you send 6 lottery scratch-offs to someone and you're supposed to get 36.  Well, I lost.  I'm not doing it.

5. Listened to Andrew tell knock-knock jokes.  All of his jokes end with "______ on your head."  This grows old after a few jokes.

6. Ordered 3 magazines. 

7. Looked at lolcats.

8. Communicated via Barbie walkie-talkie with the children.

9. Taken Tylenol, Advil, and sprayed my throat with Chloraseptic.  It still burns.  I think I need ice cream.

10. Read up on how to install Windows and Parallels on my iMac so I can use Homestead Sitebuilder for the ScrapFest website.

11. Coughed.  A lot.

12. Felt the swollen glands in my neck to see if they're swollen.  They are.

13. Used my voice for two phone calls.  Andrew's school and my doctor's office.  Should have sent smoke signals.

14. Tried to nap.  Tried.

15. Wrote this blog.

16. Developed a crush on British comedian Alan Davies, a panelist on the show Q.I.  He's the one rhyming things with "purple" in this clip.  SO my type. 

80’s Sunday rewind: Eurythmics edition

The Eurythmics have been on my list of bands for the 80's Sunday Rewind for a while (yes, I have an actual list in one of my various notebooks) and I decided this was the Sunday to feature their videos after my rain post from Wednesday. 

You see, it is simply this: the Eurythmics were the 80's.  I'll explain.  When the Eurythmics released their first U.S. #1 hit, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)" in 1984, they were as synth-pop as you get. 

25 years later and I still don't know what the cows were about.  I've never had sweet dreams about a cow. 

Anyway, around the same time they released a really good song you may not know unless you had the  Sweet Dreams album.  Here's "Love is a Stranger."

So, the Eurythmics pretty much cemented themselves as a synth-pop band with those songs and "Here Comes the Rain Again," then they went a reinvented their sound with 1985's Be Yourself Tonight and were straight up rock and roll with an awesome R&B sound.  Crazy, right?  Yeah, but it worked.  The big hit off that album was "Would I Lie to You," which happens to be my favorite Eurythmics song (and convinced me that I needed to be a back-up singer).

But they didn't stop with that song, no, they went and did a duet with my hero, Aretha Franklin. 

The Eurythmics made a few more albums together before their hiatus and ventures into solo work.  It's only fitting that they closed out the decade with their last album (pre-reunion), 1989's We Too Are One, which gave us a glimpse of what to expect from Dave Stewart, Annie Lennox's partner in the band, who is pretty amazing.  For more on Stewart, go read my friend Will's blog for some Dave Stewart edumacation.  I'll leave you with "Baby's Gonna Cry," in which we hear Stewart sing (imagine that) and look like a cool rock star — shut up, that red suit is awesome.   

currently

Watching :: all the season premiers of my favorite shows

Reading :: still reading Can't Wait to get to Heaven by Fannie Flagg — don't know why I keep putting it down

Making :: an autumn banner for my mantle

Eating :: a little better since I'm doing First Place 4 Health and loving that I can still have my wonton soup at PF Changs.

Feeling :: frustrated with a few things/people/situations

Thinking :: how stupid it is that Swingers isn't available on iTunes.

Hoping :: my throat is better tomorrow

Wondering :: if my purse will come in the mail Monday

Hearing :: Ben Lee on my iTunes

Liking :: my new bed

Wanting :: a tummy tuck

Playing :: lots of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook (I topped my previous high score — what a geek)

Wishing :: I could have a conversation

Enjoying :: my super clean closet, it's like a store in there!

Coveting :: Archie Grand notebooks, take a look at these cheeky beauties.  I must have several of these.  I particularly like "Husbands I have had and liked," "Conservatives I met and liked," and "Santa Clauses I met and liked."

Bookrow

have a great weekend or else

Have a great weekend.

3950108762_7138e8950f

Do it for Chaka Khan Chantal Biya, the First Lady of Cameroon (who is not Chaka Khan).  Mrs. Biya wants you to have a good weekend, don't let her down.

This photo is from Wednesday's trip to the Met.  First Family pic courtesy of the U.S. State Department. 

This is what the State Department's Flickr page says: This official White House photograph is being made available only for
publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by
the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated
in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials,
advertisements, emails, products, or promotions that in any way
suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or
the White House.

The Kerry Blog is pretty much a news organization.

I found even more glorious photos of Mrs. Biya from around the interwebs.  Let's take a look at my new favorite person.

Here's Mrs.Biya meeting the Pope.  Yeah, Barack — don't think she just gets gussied up for you.  

Biya20_hat

Somewhere in Detroit, Aretha Franklin is on the phone with her milliner bitching him out.

Oh, and if you don't have a good weekend, don't say I didn't warn you.

Chantalbiyacarlabruni

Mrs. Biya will cut a bitch.                                                                                     


Friday night wrong roundup

It's Friday night.  You know what that means — sexy times.  Yep, I'm at home with some Nyquil (because I'm getting a cold), in pajamas,  Kleenex within reach, with the trusty laptop blogging and catching up on Dexter to get ready for the season premier Sunday.

This evening I stumbled upon something so ridiculous I felt I needed we needed a Friday Night Wrong Roundup.  I've done vast research for at least the past ten minutes to compile what I believe to be the utmost in wrong for you, dear readers.  The only question is where to begin.

I am nothing if not an art lover, so first up in wrong is the porntastic sculptured furniture of Peter Rolfe.  Are you in the market for a new nekkid lady sculpture/two-drawer dresser thing?  Well, look no further. 

Gen-III-Thumbnail-1

Gen-III-Thumbnail-3

Gen-III-Thumbnail-4

Yeah.  I'm getting you all one for Christmas.  I can't help but notice the glaring design flaw.  Why go to the trouble of making the she-drawer if you're not going to make the nipples drawer pulls?  Hell, why not?  It's already ridiculous.

Onto more wrong.  Y'all know I'm nothing if not a fashionista (in my own mind), so I don't know how I missed this gem. 

I love the idea of interactive clothing.  It's brilliant.  Very Project Runway.  Not so sure if I want my ass winking at you though.  Thank goodness they've got a patent on that, you don't want just anybody making winking ass pants.

Speaking of winking, I've been told I have expressive eyes.  More to the point, I've been told not to do "that eye thing," which I think is my disapproving look, I'm not sure.  I'm thinking I could really push the envelope with these.

That's right.  Eyebrow weaves.  I have blond eyebrows that are pretty much invisible, so I color them when I color my hair.  I'm SO getting eyebrow weaves.  Imagine how disapproving I could look with those.  So fabulous. 

Next up is something for the musician in your life.  I'm simply a fan of good music, not a musician, so I don't know what an acoustic guitar should cost, but $3900 seems a bit high even for a Chanel, which is a fashion house, not an instrument company.   

Chanel-guitar-spring-summer-2009-2

I really hope that includes the case, which I think would make a fantastic piece of luggage, but it does kind of look like the cozies the extra pieces of my china are in. 

You know what musician types are fond of?  Sunglasses.  The name Bono ring a bell?  He's never without shades.  Do you think he has these?

Azumianddavid glasses tape 4

Azumianddavid glasses tape 3

That's right, they're on a roll of tape.  They stick to your face.  TO YOUR FACE.  Yeah, you won't sit on them and break them, but you'll get them stuck in your hair.  They're by Azumi and David, who are obviously geniuses, because guess what else they make? 

Thumb_001.SS07 BDT01 body tape c

 Yes, they are watches.  MADE OF TAPE. 

 I'll let that sink in for a minute.

 Okay.  You know why these are the most retarded thing in this post, right?  THEY DO NOT TELL THE TIME.  The only people these "watches" are good for are the blind and preschoolers.  Oh, and THEY'RE FREAKIN' TAPE.  Have you ever had a hair caught in a bracelet?  That hurts.  Pulling tape off your wrist?  Why not just save yourself the trouble and wax your arms?  While you're at it, wax your eyebrows because they're going to come off when you take off your tape sunglasses. 

The Nyquil's kicking in.  I'll probably dream of tape and nekkid people furniture and wake up screaming "THOSE AREN'T DRAWER PULLS!"

islands in the stream of consciousness

So, I've spent all day in front of not one, but two computers working on the ScrapFest! site, composing an email for da Fest, and making new graphics.  Yeah, it's been awesome.  What else did I do today?  Waited on the new mattress to be deliverd.  Don't be jealous.  I'm tired and in bed, but can't sleep because I'm all wound up from Grey's Anatomy.  Damn show.  So, here's more stream of consciousness, because attempting a real post would take real thought and I'm hoping the Unisom will kick in any minute.  Am I too honest with you people?  Probably so. 

My life is an open book.  Or at least a magazine.  Probably an old one in a doctor's office with a couple of pages torn out, but still readable. 

I can't wait for the new recession reality show "Who Wants to Marry a Guy With Decent Credit?"  Totally stole that from Jimmy Fallon.  It's late and that made me laugh. 

Project Runway is making me quite angry this season because Michael Kors and Nina Garcia haven't been on in 4 episodes and if I don't hear someone say "that dress looks like a $50 hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold prom" soon, I'll refuse to watch the rest of the series.

I didn't get any cell calls for three days and realized it yesterday.  After rebooting my iPhone, I had a brazillion messages, so people really do like me after all.

The barista at PJ's thought it would be funny yesterday to tell me they were out of the stuff to make a mocha.  I yelled "don't do that to me!" at her.  You don't joke with people about their caffeinated beverages. 

Andrew has show and tell at school Friday. This will obviously be more show than tell.

I made a great joke to my neighbor this morning while waiting for the school bus, but she's German and has never heard "Hee Haw," so it was a joke wasted. 

When the delivery guy showed up today, he asked where I wanted the new mattress.  I considered telling him to set it up in the kitchen.  On the phone, when he called for directions, he said "you got the 666 mattress?" say what?  The Satan mattress?  I don't think so.  Then he said "king size?"  I said yes.  He then went on to mispronounce my last name in a way I've never heard (and I've heard them all – Faller, Taylor, Sailor) and when I told him where my subdivision was, he said "oh, off Bootlegger Road?"  then pronounced the name of the subdivision wrong and said "we'll see ya."  I specifically asked for a time frame and his window was "we'll see ya."  Thanks, Bubba.

I had to defriend someone from Facebook the other day for several counts of douchebaggery and general stupid foolitis.  Pitying fools is tiresome.  I think I'll leave it to Mr. T for a while.

Our bus driver does the pageant wave when he passes our house.  This is equally funny and disturbing.

I forgot to wish y'all a happy first day of fall the other day and I apologize.  I love fall.  It's awesome for lots of reasons, but mainly because I get to use one of my favorite words — autumnal.  It's fun, try it.  Next time someone compliments your mantle or whatever, say "oh, yes, maize is always part of the Faler autumnal decor" or at Starbucks, "I'll have the pumpkin spice latte, it's one of my autumnal favorites."

My new Pottery Barn sheets are the softest ever.

The Target didn't have Folex the other day.  This is a travesty.

Last weekend I sent the hubs upstairs to print something for me.  This was the first time he has used my iMac.  When he came downstairs I asked him what he thought of it and he said it was okay, but the zebra scared him.  Then I remembered that for some reason I picked a big ole zebra face as my wallpaper for fun

The Lucy dog ate beef jerky and got sick, then I learned what "step into a Slim Jim" really means.

Y'all be good.  Come back Sunday for an 80's rewind.

blame it on the rain, yeah yeah

It's raining here and flooding in Georgia, a state I love.  It's raining everywhere.  I've been in a crappy mood all week and I blame it on the rain.  You know what that means.  Yep, time for an 80's raindance party!  Put on your gold lame raincoat and get your groove on, baby.

Let's let the original kings of lip synching kick it off. 

That's right. Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you.  That rain can't be good for the instruments they weren't actually using.

And this is the song that's been in my head all week.

Is it just me or does Dave Stewart look like a creepy stalker in the video? That's right, I said it — creepy stalker.

Prince would kick my ass if I didn't include him in the dance party and the last thing I need is Prince on my case. It's a slow jam, you know, 'cause Prince likes it that way.  And if you want to send out any long-distance dedications, now is the time.

Damn, that's a long video.

I think we can all agree we need to break up the melancholy mood with a little up-tempo number. And I think we all know what that means — the dragtastic "It's Raining Men."

So, that's the rain post. Stay tuned for the "Here Comes The Sun" post , that is, if the sun ever comes out for more than half the day.

no tunes this Tuesday

It's not that I don't love y'all, but it's been a disjointed kind of day of rain, thus no Tunes Tuesday, but instead a disjointed post, a little stream of consciousness. 

I don't like the color gold.  Unless it's gold lame, in that case it's fantastic.  I would really like a gold lame raincoat for some reason.

My hair didn't dry right today and now it's weird and wiry looking.  I blame it on the rain.

Why did it start to storm just as the kids were getting off the bus?

Facebook has been buggy lately and it has really pissed me off.

I applaud the individual who took it upon himself to correct the grammar of one of the construction signs on Hwy 21.  Bravo, sir.  You are my grammar hero.

I am convinced one of my friends has a form of ESP.  It's not a terribly helpful type of ESP, but still kind of cool.

The waist measurement should be the same in a particular size of Lane Bryant jeans, no matter if they are boot cut, wide leg, straight leg, or low rise.  It makes absolutely no sense that the jeans are the same size and the waist measurement is so different that they will not button.  Damn you Right Fit jeans!  

I had a little deja vu earlier today.  It was interesting. 

Someone called me recently with what they said was good news.  Good news is relative.

The interwebs is a magical thing.  Frustrating and annoying, but magical.

I'm half-heartedly trying to get out of something next month.  I am employing the tactic of embarrassment to convince my hubs he does not want me to go to his 20th high school reunion.  I hate events with a passion.  Most of my friends think I'm an extrovert, but they are wrong.  I have told him if I go I will spend the entire evening bombarding a classmate of his with questions about her title as Mrs. STATE I LIVE IN because it's my new goal in life to become the 2010 Mrs. WHAT SHE WAS A FEW YEARS AGO.  I need a sash and crown.  And a scepter — I really need one of those.

The new House was really good last night.

The newly remastered Beatles albums are the bomb.

The hubs and I went to a brew pub on the lakefront Saturday night to watch the LSU game.  There was a woman there with breast implants so large that the LSU graphic on her tiny t-shirt looked like it was being tortured.  The S was so misshapen, it looked like a Escher drawing of a slide.

Real Coke is delicious.

Shopping for mattresses is a bizarre experience.  You're supposed to lay on them as you would at home to test it out, but I don't think you're supposed to take your shoes off or anything.  And like I'm going to lay there with the salesguy watching me.  I'm going to go to his house and watch him sleep, then ask how he likes his mattress, all smug and snarky.

We went to Chevy's for lunch Sunday and all I could think about was how much our waiter looked like The Rock.  I kept waiting for him to do that eyebrow thing, so I'd know if it were really The Rock and he was maybe doing some undercover work or something, but he never did. 

Our garage currently smells like ant killer.

The hubs touched his goatee so many times Saturday that I told him I would get him a hamster, because he obviously has some sort of tactile issue.  

I'm not really going to buy a hamster.  I'd be the one to take care of it and we all know I'm not in the mood.

But I do want a cocker spaniel.  I would name it Sadie.

I still love The Psychedelic Furs.

I forgot to eat lunch.

I'm downloading fonts from the interwebs for the new computer.  No one needed design a font with letters made of penis drawings.

Stop thinking of penises.