Archives for July 2008

Thursday frustration haiku

stupid phone plan mess

let us upgrade when we want

I want an iPhone

Are you there God? It’s me, Kerry

Almost every morning I check email, look at Facebook, and read news from everywhere while the kids are having breakfast and I’m having my two cups of coffee.  I’m  news junkie, have been since I was in middle school.  I’m a geek, I know.  I’m a big documentary fan, love PBS Fontline, and have a crush on Anderson Cooper (I know).   In my morning reading, I think I discovered something I find disturbing and you may, too.

It’s Jesus.  Seems the Son of God is all over the place lately.  Here’s a little background info on me, in case you haven’t known me since birth.  I grew up Church of God, but all that meant to me is that I was a Christian and that seemed like a good thing to be.  I accepted Christ, it was all good, but I didn’t do youth group or anything; my parents weren’t big church-goers, no big deal.   I grew up, had friends of different faiths, boyfriends of different faiths, discussed religion with people all the time.  I met my hubs, Scott, in December of my freshman year at LA Tech and he dragged me to Campus Crusade, and church, the whole nine yards.  So, for those of you keeping score at home, I’m a Christian girl, now active in MOPS, love my FBC Covington, all that (I don’t listen to Christian rock, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog).  Good stuff, yea me.

So here’s my problem.  Jesus is popping up all over the place.  You know what I’m talking about — his image.  Now, I may get in trouble for this one, too, but call me crazy (wouldn’t be the first time), but seems my man, JC, wouldn’t choose to appear to the masses in say, a Cheeto.

Friends and peeps, I give you Cheeto Jesus.  Some woman in Missouri found what she believes to be the representation of our Lord and Savior in crispy cheesy goodness.  Cheesus, you might say.  This would be the crucifixion image, of course, which is the most popular Jesus sighting, next to the Shroud of Turin Jesus.

Now, I love Jesus.  I sing his praises, read books about him, think about what he would do in situations, but I have never seen him in a bag of snacks.  I’m not one for salty snacks anyway, so I guess I should say I’ve never seen Him on an M&M or Almond Joy, or plate of cheese enchiladas even (no matter how cheesy).  Dang, now I’m hungry.

Oh, you say, “Kerry, that’s just plain silly, of course Jesus wouldn’t appear in Cheeto form!”  Well, would you believe He’s chosen to appear again — in the fur of a kitty?  Well, CNN says maybe so.  They put kitty Jesus on their website this morning, you can watch it below.

What?  The kitty Shroud of Turin Jesus?  It must be a sign of the Apocalypse.  Forget Y2K people, it’s Kitty Jesus.  I can’t believe they named the kitty Sissy.  So when they call her she can say, “who you callin’ Sissy, I’m Jesus!”

Don’t like Kitty Jesus?  I’ve had 3 cats, none with Jesus fur, but hey, you can’t have everything.  My cats were cool, 2 of them I taught to fetch.  Maybe you’re not a cat person.  Maybe you’re a fish person.  Nothing wrong with that.  There’s always Catfish Jesus.

I found this lovely Catfish Crucifixion Jesus on a popular online auction site that may or may not rhyme with beGay.  Someone wants money for this treasure.  Here’s his (or her) description:

“You decide.  Possessing one is fabled to bring luck and protection for whomever has it.   All I can say is Mine has.  This is NOT MY Personal one – I would never part with that one.  I had mine during my 30 month and still ongoing recovery from a serious paralyzing spinal injury the results of which which the doctors are calling “Miraculous” I will send the moving story of that to any buyer who requests it.  I also survived Hurricane Charley and Wilma And I win a lot @ Bingo.  I CAN NOT / DO NOT claim this unusual item had anything to do with these events BUT I used everything I knew of that might help.”

I didn’t change a word of that listing.  I didn’t have to, it’s wacko all on it’s own.  I love how he says he wins a lot at bingo.  ‘Cause Jesus loves gambling!  At least that guy’s Jesus does.  Anyone ever think that maybe a catfish’s skeleton just looks like that?  Maybe it’s just me.

If any of y’all bid on that I’ll take you out for an all-you-can-eat catfish dinner.  I hear there’s a good place not far from me.  Bet they have sweet tea.  I hope they have hushpuppies.  Mmmm…hushpuppies.

Tunes you need Tuesday, kinda late, but hey…

Ok, so the comment from this morning made me not want to write anything else today, but hey, it’s Tunes you need Tuesday.  Here’s one essential album any REM fan needs: Dead Letter Office.

There’s a good chance you haven’t heard this cd, it’s a great collection of b-sides, covers, and outtakes from the band’s early years.  It’s a fitting title — in case you didn’t know, when your mail gets lost or you goofed up the address and don’t put your return address on the envelope, your mail goes to the dead letter office.  Well, that’s what they used to be called.  Now they’re referred to as Mail Recovery Centers, which sounds like letter rehab.  Anywhoodle.

The covers on Dead Letter Office are great.  I love REM’s version of “There She Goes Again” by Velvet Underground, it’s one of my favorite songs of all time.  The cover of Aerosmith’s “Toys in the Attic” is a fun song, something I always find strange that REM recorded.

“Ages of You” is a song that could have been big, or at least I think so.  I love a lot of REM’s music from before they really refined their sound.  Here’s a fab line from the song, “the horses just don’t gossip anymore.”  I never trusted horses, especially those haughty Clydesdales.

My fun, “try to sing along” song on the album has to be “Voice of Harold.”  Michael Stipe used the liner notes to a gospel album (“The Joy of Knowing Jesus”, by the Revelaires) in the studio during the recording of Reckoning with the same backing music track as “7 Chinese Brothers.”  I’m sure there was some drinking going on in the studio that night.   Finally, the mucho grande fun track of the album is a liqoured-up version of Roger Miller’s “King of the Road.”  You can almost smell the booze on Stipe’s breath when you hear it.  Seriously.  Here’s what guitarist Peter Buck had to say in the liner notes about “King of the Road”:  I suppose if we had any shame we would have never allowed this little gem to see the light of day. This was recorded at the very end of a long alcohol soaked day, and I can barely remember cutting it. This first part was an attempt at writing a commercial for Walter’s Bar-B-Q. The second part is King of the Road, kind of. If there was any justice in the world, Roger Miller should be able to sue for what we did to this song.

So, there it is.  Go to Amazon and get your copy of Dead Letter Office.  It’s $7, I checked it out for you.  I didn’t check iTunes this time, but you know how to find it.  Oh, I didn’t mention that when the cd was released, they tacked on the EP, Chronic Town, to DLO, so you’ll get the lovely song “Gardening at Night” as a little bonus.  I’ve had the cd for years and years, and I pop in it in to play for a fun drive a lot.  The cd came out in 1987, before Document and Green, when REM was still pretty much considered a college band and they broke out big.  Do yourself a favor and go get all those cds.  I have the newer compilations and the old cds — you can’t beat the old ones.  There a lots of gems off those older cds that never saw the light of day.  Ok, so this Tunes you need Tuesday turned into REM you need Tuesday.

Promise I’ll put up layouts from Scrap ‘n on the River soon.  Still haven’t unpacked the car.  What?  You think I unpacked anything, save for my Vera Bradley Miller bag in Java Blue?  Ha.  You’re so funny, I thought you knew me by now.  I wouldn’t have  unpacked that bag, but I needed my toiletries.  A girl’s gotta have her hair products, now.   Be good.

Fat rant

I didn’t expect to get a comment from someone in the blogosphere telling me I’m mean and ugly on the inside for writing about 9x pantyhose.  I took the comment down because I’m anything but mean, I just thought it was humorous that a gas station in the middle of nowhere is selling those.  If you can’t find the humor in that, then maybe you shouldn’t be reading my blog.  There’s a little arrow in the top right-hand corner where you can go to the next blog if you want.  By the way, putting on pantyhose is a universal thing.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a size 10 or size 30, it’s a struggle to put on pantyhose.   Trust me, I haven’t been a size 10 since homecoming of my junior year in highschool and I won’t tell you my dress size now.  I’ve struggled with my weight since puberty and it’s on-going.  I said I’m not a supermodel.  Let me clarify that.  In college (1993+) I didn’t put on the freshman 15, I put on the freshman 50.  Yeah.  In 1997, shopping for wedding dresses in Shreveport, LA became a new low point because the samples were nowhere close to my size.  Every girl dreams of trying on her wedding dress and knowing it’s The One, not me.  Since then I’ve had three children and my stomach looks like a street map of New Orleans.  I’ve done every diet known to man and now I’m on Nutrisystem.  I won’t pretend that comment didn’t bother me.  I’m not mean, I’m not anti-fat.  I’m a chubby girl with a sense of humor.

At the crop I went to in Natchez I was described to someone as the “red-headed heavy girl wearing a pink shirt.”  So, there ya go.  I thought that was pretty damn funny. She didn’t mention my adorable leopard print Volatiles or my freckles or my killer wit or my fabulous earrings or bags.  Funny, huh?

I read the comment to my hubs and he started laughing.  I’m so mean. Mean, but I’m as cute as all get out.

Love,

the red-headed heavy girl wearing a pink shirt

Natchez trip, gas stations, & weirdness

I give you my Natchez haiku:

oh, Mississippi

your slow ways and bad driving

please start making sense

So, to start out our trip to Natchez, I had to pick up my pictures from Lakeside Camera.  Of course, this is me, so I couldn’t just pick them up.  They said they didn’t have a record of my order, so I had to show them my email receipt, and lo and behold, my pics were in at the Metairie location.  They said not to worry, they will deliver them to the Mandeville store that afternoon.  Ha.  I was so good, y’all.  I stayed calm thanks to medication and said that’s great and all, but I’m leaving for Mississippi in 20 minutes .  I picked up Beth and Megan, then we went to pick up the pics.  That was the start of the day.

We made a swing by McDonald’s and got drinks and two hours later had to go potty in Bude, Mississippi.  That would be pronounced like “dude.”  I know.  Ok, so walking into the gas station, we could tell we didn’t want to stick around.  We’ve all been in that gas station, right?  Here’s where it strays.  One of us opens the restroom door, which is way dirty and there are two stalls.  No doors.  Shower curtains in place of the doors.  Oh, yeah.  Mississippi heard we were coming and rolled out the red carpet, shower curtain, whatever.  So, I’m standing outside the restroom minding my own business when out of the corner of my eye I see a pantyhose rack-spinny-thingie and right at the top there were pantyhose marked 8-9x.  Yes, I know you’re picturing a size 9x woman putting on pantyhose and I’m sorry for that image, but I’m a brain ninja like that.  I know I say this all the time on the Kerry blog, but I’m not a supermodel (I just play one on tv).  I’ve been around the Lane Bryant a few times.  So, I can imagine what one would have to weigh to be a 9x.  I’m guessing 500Orca.  And for the love of spandex and nylon, Good Lord, why would you want to put yourself in danger by wearing pantyhose if you were that large a woman.  Remember, only you can prevent brush fires.  And here’s the best part.  I turned the spinny-thingie around and there they were, 9x knee highs.  WHAT?! How the freak big do your cankles and calves have to be to wear 9x knee highs?  That’s when Richard Simmons comes to visit you and you have to be cut out of your house and moved with a forklift.  And you’re going to put on your knee highs?  I think not.  Being plus sized is hard enough, don’t make the woman where 9x pantyhose.

The crop was good.  We laughed a bunch and I only got in trouble once for something I said.  It was a “did I say that outloud” moment.  That happens sometimes.  Maureen won the page contest and that was cool.  I only managed to get 5 layouts done, but I sure had a good time.  I didn’t win a doorprize and I always win stuff, but as I was unpacking today, my doorprize tickets were in my bag.  Idiot.  I never put them in the prize thing.  Oh, we ate at the Pig Out Inn three times.  They came for lunch everyday and I actually at potato salad.  I just ate the chunks of potato.  I didn’t die.  So that’s what, the second time I’m had potato salad in my life?  When Megan heard that I thought she was going to faint.  We went to Biscuits and Blues for steak one night and that place had some good eats.  I love an onion ring and crabcakes.  Yum.  The joint had live music from some guy who kept talking about folk music and played a song I remembered from O Brother, Where Art Thou.  Interesting.  The music was way too loud for dinner.  Beth, Megan, and I were yelling at each other over our biscuits. People all over Natchez were looking at all of us weird because we were wearing the same shirts.  You know if you’re in a restaurant and you see 3 or more women together wearing matching tee shirts there must be a scrapbooking event in town.   Saturday we wore the shirts I made that said “if I crop fast enough does it count as exercise?”

We drove back and saw the best thing ever — two guys in an old maroon car with the dvd players we have on the headrests of our van, but they had them on the sun visors in the front seat and they were watching a movie while driving around downtown Natchez on Main Street.  The driver was on his celly and I’m sure his passenger was all like, “get off the phone, I’m trying to watch Big Mama’s House!” I just hope I’m that cool one day.

On the way home we stopped for gas at the same place in Bude.  A guy who looked like Sammy Davis, Jr drives up on one of those Jazzy scooters and it’s all decked out with flags and fuzzy dice and stuff.  I wish I would have taken a picture because y’all would have loved that.  And the guy was in all black like Johnny Cash.   Further down the highway we saw a kid walking with a skateboard.  Middle of nowhere, Mississippi and Tony Hawk is going to skateboard somewhere on the highway.

At some point I’ll put up the layouts I did at Scrap ‘n on the River.  Until then, be good.

A little fun for the road

I’m leaving for Scrap’n on the River in a couple of hours (no, I’m not packed) and I thought I’d leave y’all with a little silly quiz thingie before I head to Natchez.  I got the questions from Heather Preckel’s blog.  Check her out if you haven’t yet — she’s a neat chick and great scrapbooker.

In your entire life, have you ever…

gone on a blind date? Yes, thanks to Jennifer C in high school.  It was just awful.

skipped school? Who hasn’t?  I didn’t go to classes at Tech when it rained.

watched someone die? No.

been to Canada? Um, yeah.

been to Mexico? No.

been to Florida? Yep.

been on a plane? bunches.  Air Canada is fun & bilingual.

been lost? yes, it’s one of the best things about going on a trip with me.

been on the opposite side of the country? No, I’ll stay in the south, thank you.

gone to Washington, DC? No.

swam in the ocean? Does the Gulf count?

had your booze taken away by the cops? Nope!

lettered in a high school sport? I wrote letters in high school.  Oh, you mean sports?  Nah.

cried yourself to sleep? Yes.

played cops and robbers? No.

played dolls? All the time.

recently colored with crayons? Of course.

sang Karaoke? Who needs karaoke when you sing wherever you are.  I don’t need a stage.

paid for a meal with coins only? Last week, I believe.

done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? yes, I’m sure.

cheated on an exam? probably.

made prank phone calls? Caller ID ruined that, didn’t it?  Those were the days.

laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose? oh, yes, and isn’t that ladylike?

caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes.

danced in the rain? If you call it dancing.

written a letter to Santa Claus? yes.

been kissed under the mistletoe? Yes!

watched the sunrise with someone you care about? I’d have to ask Scott, I can’t remember.  I prefer sunsets, actually.

been arrested? No, this is me, Ms. Goody Two Shoes.

blown bubbles? Yep

gone ice-skating. Yes once and it just isn’t for me.  I love to roller skate though!

been skinny dipping outdoors? Oh no, no one needs to see that.

had a nickname? KerryB, Red, ReeRee

been to Africa? No, but someday I’d love to go to Disney’s Animal Kingdom.  No desire to go to Africa.

eaten cookies for dinner? Cookies, cereal, icecream — sure.

been on TV? Oh, yes, I’m quite the celebrity.  I’ve been on a few times.

stolen any traffic signs? No, that would be illegal.

been in a car accident? Yes. But never while I was driving. I did back into Scott’s old car twice, though.

What is your….

mother’s name? Connie

favorite drink? iced tea

favorite alcohol? my once a year margarita.

birthplace? Shreveport, LA

favorite vacation spot? I’ll take any hotel with great sheets and fluffy towels.

favorite salad dressing? Ranch

favorite pie? Sweet potato, baby

favorite number? 42

favorite movie? toss up — Gone With the Wind, Pretty in Pink, When Harry Met Sally.

favorite holiday? Christmas

favorite food? cheese enchiladas

favorite day of the week? Saturday, I guess.

favorite brand of body wash? Clean on Me by Soap and Glory

favorite toothpaste? Colgate Total

favorite smell? Coffee

Do you have any…tattoos? No, I’m saving that for my midlife crisis in a few years.

body piercings? Ears

Do you drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4 door Town & Country minivan megafun

What do you do to relax? Scrapbook, read or watch a movie, sleep

How do you see yourself in 10 years? Sweet.  Thin and dripping in diamonds from the multimillions I’ve made inventing scrapbook supplies, winner of the Pulitzer Prize for blogging, driving a car powered by garbage like Back to the Future.  Realistically, a mom of 3 teenagers in the burbs on fabulous anxiety meds!

Wanna Play?

Jump right in. Just copy these questions and have at it!


I’m bringing the laptop to Natchez to use the Cricut design studio, so who knows, I may blog a little from the crop.  Here I go to pack.

Late Monday night haiku

new driver’s license

I’m dreading the picture part

can I just draw one?

Tunes you need Tuesday & stuff

So, y’all know I’m big on Counting Crows, so of course I read Down the Rabbit Hole, Adam Duritz’s online magazine for fun and to check out bands he recommends.  A while back he wrote about The Negro Problem, a band with a politically incorrect name and great music.  Later they changed their name to Stew, their lead singer’s name and they just got better.  They have a big Beatles influence with ’60’s pop melodies and horns, strings, and funky lyrics.  You just won’t believe the song “Ahmnot Madatcha” — it’s just plain great.  Love the title.  “Come Down Now” is pretty perfect.  If you take a listen, you’ll immediately hear the difference between current music and what Stew is doing.  It’s night and day.  So, when the band changed their name to Stew, they put out an album you’ve probably never heard of called Guest Host, which was named album of the year in 2000 by Entertainment Weekly.  I defy you to listen to “C’mon Everybody” and not want to get up and dance.  It’s fab, just fun — love that song.  Stew is poppy, but socially conscience, if that makes sense.  You’ll find lyrics about race, Ken doll’s lack of anatomy, rehab, and more.  If you’d like to listen to The Negro Problem and Stew, check out my link to Down the Rabbit Hole, and you’ll be happy to know you can get their stuff on iTunes, ’cause Lord knows you won’t find them in your local record store.  Do people still call them record stores?  Music store?  I have no idea.  I’ve ordered online for so long, I wouldn’t know.  Anywhoodle, you’ll be glad you checked them out.

Oh, did you get my pick from last week yet?  Be sure to listen to Retroverb on iTunes as well — you’ll like them and if you’re in the Shreveport area this weekend you can catch them live Little Joe’s on King’s Hwy.  Bring a lighter or cell phone to wave back and forth, like you’re at a Journey concert and say hi to Will for me.  And ask him to play “Here Comes the Sun” for old times, while you’re at it.

Here I go to pick up my Town & Country fresh from getting an oil change and tires rotated.  Yea me!  Be good.

Monday afternoon haiku

Haikus are easy

but sometimes they don’t make sense

Elvis had sideburns

Feelings, nothing more than feelings

I’m cranky for no good reason and thought I’d share some of my favorite things in hopes it might turn my mood around.

When we lived in Ft. McMurray, Canada I went to the best salon ever — Spoiled Rotten — and the owner carried these wonderful magnets by Anne Taintor and I had to buy them.  I’m still loving the whole line and I’d love some of her stuff for a belated birthday gift or Christmas (hint, hint).  Anne uses images of women from real advertisements from the 50’s with great snarky phrases.  I love my “make your own damn dinner” on  my fridge and here are some of my other faves.

I really need to get an Anne Taintor air freshner.

So, I realized today my trip starts Thursday and I’m nowhere close to having an adequate iPod music selection and on the way to Walmart (don’t get me started) I thought, man, I don’t have any INXS: must have INXS.  Considering that band was the soundtrack to years of my life, I can’t believe I’ve lost my cds.  Wouldn’t you know Wally World had the greatest hits for 6 bucks.  It’s such a shame when you find one of your favorite bands in the cheap cd section.  I feel sorry for the band when I see that.

I’m not doing a great job of cheering myself up.  Ok, here’s my favorite new find.  It’s Vera Bradley’s new all in one wristlet.  It’s fab.  I know, I know, it looks like something just for teens or college girls, but lemme tell you — when Mandy, Lori, and I were cropping one afternoon at the store, we left to get coffee and ended up at Strawberry Patch looking at lall the new Vera Bradley (I don’t know how Mandy and I could keep away) all three of us had to get one.  It fits my credit cards, cash, license (I still have to get that renewed) and here’s the beautiful part — my phone.  How great is that when you’re just running into Target or when you’re I don’t know, maybe on a scrapbooking retreat in Mississippi this weekend.  I got the one pictured here in Pinwheel Pink.  Of course I got pink, did you really think I’d pick one in another color?   Ok, I know owls are the thing right now (totally not sure why), but do we really need them on Vera Bradley?  I say no.  Owls creep me out.  Not just because they’re birds.  They’ve got that whole head-turning-180 degrees thing going on and my aunt Joyce had her house decorated with owl stuff when I was a kid and that’s just creepy.  I like the owl in Bambi, but that’s about it.  Anyway, go get your wristlet and pick a fun color.

I think Walmart put me in a bad mood earlier.  I went for school supplies, t-shirts for the trip, & coffee.  Wouldn’t you know on the coffee aisle there was a family of I don’t know, 10 with two carts and at least that high an IQ.  They were trying to decide between all the roasts Community offers and I just wanted to get to the gourmet stuff that was on the other side of this clan.  I’m telling you, when I saw them, I said a Whitney “oh hell to the no” under my breath and tried to get through, but they weren’t having it.  And a lesson to any girls reading this blog — if you have a muffin top, maybe a cropped top isn’t the best choice for you.  Call me crazy, but that’s not a good look.  Now, I’ve been the cute chubby girl my whole life, so I’m not picking on anyone, but for the flava of love, please buy shirts that cover up the muffin tops! I mean, you’re in Walmart, they sell shirts, go get one that covers your belly button and really, your mama shouldn’t have let you out of the house wearing that, but I think she was wearing the Just My Size version of the same dang shirt.  What is this world coming to?

While I’m on the topic of tops, I’ve been looking at this top for a few days and I don’t know if I’d look absolutely stupid in it or not.  Probably the former.  Maybe it’s the Lisa Loeb I’ve been listening to, or the girls are wearing me down with all the Hello Kitty stuff, but I think this tee is supercute.  Should I get it or no?  I think I’d be the coolest mom in the PTA with this shirt.  Later, gators.